Same Story (part 22)

Dear diary,

So Sarah, since she was on the best of terms with both moguls, selected a location equidistant from Abram’s acres and the bedroom of Jehovah, and made her home in a place called Mamre.

Now, in the meantime, Monsignor Lot had appointed himself to be the Chief Justice of his homeland’s Highest Court. And Lot was such a charismatic ruler that everyone who lived under his domain, at one time or another, ended up enjoying a steamy affair with him, during which he would bite them — an affectionate nip, right on the face — thus, every one of the citizens of that land soon inherited Lot’s attributes and became half-lizard. This greatly complemented the population’s humanity.

Yet, as time passed, the farmhands and associates of scaly, forked-tongued Lot — those multitudes who settled with him in the cities of the plain, Sodom and Gomorrah, also known as Reptile Paradise — began to grow strong; and they formed armies of Lizard Warriors, and they appointed Serpentine Autocrats to lead each one of these Imperial Forces. For the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were not really cities at all — that’s a misnomer: they were, in fact, two Everlasting Empires, gestating multitudes of mini-empires inside of them: and all these empires tyrannized, for the most part, equally.

And the citizens worshiped a man named Mr. Snake, whose image resembled Monsignor Lot, and who only appeared in one talking oil-portrait. This was significant, since nobody else in the cities of the plain could talk, not even Lot — they all only hissed. But the portrait could talk.

Now back on Mr. Abram’s side of the meridian, his herdswomen had increased as well in number and strength, and they had coalesced into posses and tribes. And they wielded swords. But they were all very interested in the facts of history, because Abram had brought books along from Ur, which he checked out from the Dark Tower Library (yes, he would return them on time); and these books explained the various stages of that civilization’s development. So the units & legions of the herdswomen of Abram took for themselves exotic nicknames from these books, and they titled their armies after historical Ur-folk. So one group was called the Posse of Shinar, and one named itself the Tribe of Ellasar; and another referred to itself as Elamef — the Fierce Brigade of Elamef: that was their full name — and the last four small groups registered themselves under the remaining nations: Admah, Zeboiim, Bela, and Zoar. And the tallest member of each group was elected as General. Or if all the members happened to be equal in height, then the General would be whoever was the most handsome.

In case you’re wondering, here are the names of all the commanders of the Seven Armies of Abram:

• General Shinaba, archon of the Posse of Shinar;
• General Shememba, archon of the Tribe of Ellasar;
• General Duke, archon of the Fierce Brigade of Elamef;
• General Tidal, archon of the Cohort of Admah;
• General Berraberra, archon of the Legion of Zeboiim;
• General Birsh, archon of Bela’s Large Unit;
• and General Adamah, archon of the Garrison of Zoar.

Look now: the Armies of Abram confront the Imperial Forces of Lot on the dotted line of the meridian. And they roar out, one fearful mob unto the other, and shout:

“We were assured that by divvying up the countryside, there would be peace throughout the land. Why then have we both built up such terrifying War Machines?”

And nobody can answer. For the Lizard People of Lot have no function of speech. (It was the herdwomen of the Armies of Abram who posed the above question, articulating what was more or less on everybody’s mind.)

So Sarah steps out from her ranch house in Mamre and notices the armed multitudes poised to clash. And she greets them with mock cheer and sez:

“Heigh-ho.”

And all the armed forces bow. Then Sarah continues:

“Say, why don’t we all relax by taking a dip in the vale of Siddim, which has an array of bubbling baths made by natural springs. This weather is really getting on everyone’s nerves. All the callers on the radio program that I was just listening to were upset about the bad outdoor temperature — as of late, it’s either been too hot or too cold.”

So one of the Leaders of the Lizard Warriors of Lot, whose name is Chedorloamer, follows Sarah down the hill; and he motions for his fellow countryfolk to do the same. Thus his Imperial Forces lumber after him, under the weight of their cumbersome weaponry. And the Armies of Abram also join the maneuver.

And for twelve days straight, the multitudes on either side of the meridian share the refreshment of the bubbling spring-baths. And Sarah goes to and fro among them, and walks up and down, conversing with the members of the various subdivisions, as they bathe and admire themselves. And the soldiers of both Lot’s and Abram’s militaries discover that they have many interests in common. They all enjoy drinking spirits and chanting poetry.

Then, on Day 13 of The Circumvented Bloodbath (as this incident later would come to be called), Chedorlaomer and the autocrats who are with him file an Official Request for Aid from an additional number of Serpentine Service-members: the Rephaim in Ashteroth-Karnaim, and the Zuzims and Emims of Ham-Shaver Thin-lip.

Now when these backup troops arrive, they assist Chedorlaomer in moving a mountain: they position the mass directly before General Shinaba, archon of the opposing Posse of Shinar, and hold out a large-screen tablet on which is written the following text-message (for they cannot speak):

“Here is Mount Seir. Ye can have it. It was in our land, next to the district of the Horites. But we have too much wilderness already. We want ye to accept this as a gift, from our Empire to yourn. Thank ye for bathing with us, all these days.”

And Shinaba of the Shinar Posse, after reading this message aloud to her fellow herdswomen, bows low with poise and gracefully accepts the offering on behalf of the Abramites.

Then the Shinarians return to their countryside, to the land of Monsieur Abram, and they come to Mount Enmishpat, which is in the province of Kadesh, and they use their swords to cut underneath its base; then they ask their neighbors the Amalekites to help them heft this mountain over to the Zuzims and Emims, and to place it before the rest of the Lizard Warriors who are with them; so as to requite the generosity of their offering of Mount Seir, by giving them a gigantic gift in return.

And unto all the Imperial Forces of Lot who accompany the Zuzims and Emims of Ham-Shaver Thin-lip, General Shinaba of the Armies of Abram sez:

“Dear friends and allies, we wish to bestow upon you this offering of Mount Enmishpat, as a token of our respect. Now, we understand that you are not presently in need any more items of wilderness, but this mountain is said to be a treasure trove of gems and rare metals, which could be useful in manufacturing the electronic devices and rechargeable batteries that you so love. Plus it is rumored to contain much lava, and any day now it is liable to explode. So we want you to take it, as a free gift. Most of us, on our side of the meridian, do not use portable telephones or wireless computing devices all that much; we are more into reading historical novels about the land that we abandoned when we came here, that mythical paradise of Ur.” And here a tear drops from the eye of General Shinaba.

Therefore Chedorlaomer and his fellow Serpentine Autocrats accept this gift from their former enemy. And the mount instantly begins to quake. Now the armed militias wave goodbye to each other, and go their separate ways, to their respective countrysides, peaceably.

And this bonding between the partisans of Lot & Abram ultimately becomes a famous event, which gets bi-nationally memorialized: nowadays it is celebrated for an entire fortnight, annually, in both of the hemispheres — it is known, on Lot’s side, as The Festival of the Titanic Near-Clash; and, in Abram’s realm, as I explained above, it’s called The Circumvented Bloodbath. Every year, all the military personnel (pretty much the entire populace), from each domain, pilgrimages out to Siddim and takes a commemorative dip in the bubbly springs. After the first decade of doing so, however, the array of natural baths devolved into slimepits. But this turned out fine, after all: for the troops soon determined that slime is an aphrodisiac.