Untitled Joke

I went to a baby shower today and learned a neat trick about folding napkins. The new mother looked so happy. It was fun to walk as a group thru the garden in the back of the house. The flowers were gorgeous. Roses, hydrangeas, bleeding-hearts, cherry blossoms, orchids, tulips, peonies, lilies... So many different shapes and colors!

Then I decided: I'm tired of being a pedestrian. But the problem is that we citizens of the United States are not simply issued our own automobile at birth; we must find a way to acquire a motorized vehicle: and those things are expensive. So I walked to the end of the street, where a policeman was parked in his patrol car waiting to make an arrest. I knocked on the driver-side door with my knuckles. He rolled down the window. 

"What."

"I need a car. I wanna cruise around the block," I explained.

"This ain't 1950, pal," said the cop. "Nowadays a man uses his automobile strictly to travel to and from his workplace, and then he parks it. No one goes 'block cruising' anymore, or whatever you suggested. That's a waste of fuel. Plus it's dangerous; you could accidentally run over stray livestock. Plus, you really shouldn't ever pound your fist on the window of a police-car: you're liable to get yourself disappeared."

"I didn't know any other way to gain your attention," I said. "I won't do it again. Now will you let me drive your vehicle? You can ride along, if you like."

"Are you messing with me?" said the cop. (He actually used a word other than "messing"; but I'm trying to keep my report inoffensive, because I plan on reading it aloud to my family during the Christmas holiday.) "You got a death-wish or something?"

Now I lifted the latch of his front door and it came open easily. (Apparently it was unlocked.) So I motioned with my hand and said: "C'mon, either get out or move over."

The officer unbuckled his safety belt. "Fine," he grumbled, as he rose from his seat and labored to exit the vehicle while I climbed in.

"Thanks for being a good sport," I said. Then I put the car into gear and performed a right turn. 

The road was straight, very easy to drive on. But then suddenly a whole flock of chickens came bursting out of a neighbor's backyard and congested the street before me. I slammed on the brakes. They were taking a long time to move out of my way. But then I got an idea: I flicked on the emergency lights on top of my police-car's roof, and also I pressed the siren button a couple times, causing it to make a loud noise like "whoop, whoop"; and this scared the chickens so that they cleared out of the way, so I was able to pass.

Then I drove to the Mega Mall and bought a fishing pole and some worms. Then I drove to the ocean. After using my phone app to rent a canoe, I spent the next few days fishing. My approach was to feed a worm onto the hook at the end of the line, then dunk the bait into the water. Eventually I'd feel a nibble, so I'd crank the reel of the fishing pole very rapidly, causing the line to retract, and soon a large fish would emerge from the depths of the ocean and land in my boat. Then I would immediately gut it, bake it, and eat it. My favorite fish to eat is carp, and luckily this was all I caught during my fishing expedition. (Carp is delicious to those who like stronger fish flavors. It is consumed by people all across the world. There are hundreds of recipes to prepare it, to suit everyone's taste. I myself recommend baking it and dipping every piece in tartar sauce.) 

When leaving the ocean, I noticed a very poor man standing on the shoreline. "Are you starving?" I asked. 

"Yes, sir," he said. 

So I handed him my fishing pole and began to walk away. "It's all yours," I shouted, while waving goodbye; "I wish I could give you some worms, but I used all the bait." I then spent the next ten minutes packing the leftover fish that I caught into the trunk of the police-car.

Now I started a family and fathered some children and sent them to school. They got a good education. I'm very proud of them.

At this point, I decided to fight for my country. So I signed up for the army and the navy. Then I became a U.S. Marine. This was a...

Then I bought an industrial pump for mixing concrete, and I poured new patios in the backyards of various residences, without being asked to. This made a lot of people happy. Then I learned how to demolish driveways with a sledgehammer, so I went around re-doing everyone's driveways, until I got tired. Then I lay down to rest.

When the mailman came by, I stood up and rubbed my eyes and chatted with him for a while. I asked him how his day was going, and he answered: "Pretty good!" Then after an awkward silence he said: "How long have you been sleeping on the street?" And I said, "Oh, only today. I have a car now; I just left it at my last job. I've been pouring concrete, just for fun. I could buy a bed if I wanted to. I'm just happy sleeping outdoors because the temperature is so nice. However, I honestly can't say that I've ever seen such thick fog in Los Angeles." 

Then the mailman seemed to relax, hearing how content I am with my life, and he exhaled and said: "That's great to hear. For a moment there, I was worried that you had gotten divorced and lost your house, and that your wife gained custody of your kids. That's what happened to all my friends from college." 

"Nope," I smiled; then I decided to tell a lie, for kicks: "Marcy and I don't have any kids. We don't believe in the human race. I kinda wish that everyone would just commit mass suicide."

The mailman's face now lit up: "Oh, I just remembered that I have a letter for you!" And he reached back and rummaged around until he found a suitable envelope. Tapping the address with his finger, he said: "That's you, no?"

I reached and took the letter from his hand and said "Thank you so much." Then he drove away.

I opened the letter and it said, "Dear Bry, howdy do?" So I got out my detective's notepad, scribbled a lengthy reply, tore out the papers and stuffed them into the slot labeled "outgoing mail". For I happened to be standing right next to an array of mailboxes — you'll recall that I fell asleep right here on the ground after doing some driveway repair-work.

Now I began to walk in the direction of my cop car. When I turned my head to the right, just before reaching my vehicle, I could see inside the window of the nearest suburban house: it was a well-furnished living room, and there was an unclad woman dusting a chandelier. This woman happened to catch my eye, as I was passing, so she gave me a little wave. I nodded back politely and then entered my vehicle.

As I drove down the wrong side of the road & over lawns & thru fences with my lights flashing and police siren blaring, I began to reminisce about that baby shower that I had attended so long ago, and the look of those beautiful flowers in the garden came back to me. Then I remembered the officer who was so kind as to allow me to borrow his partol vehicle that day; and I began to wonder if he was still among the living. So I pulled aside and knocked over a fire hydrant, which got the attention of an elderly lady who was walking her dog nearby, and I yelled to her: "Young damsel, could you direct me to the nearest cop?" And she turned and pointed southeast. I looked in that direction and saw that indeed there was a policeman leaning against a tree. "Thanks!" I shouted, as I rolled up my window and sped away.

Approaching the officer, I could tell that it was the same cop who lent me his vehicle: for he had the same short haircut, and the same stern, manly facial features. "Hi!" I waved, after muting the siren and climbing out of the car. The policeman recognized me at once, and his countenance fell: 

"Where have you been!?" he shouted angrily. "What took so long!?"

"Didn't you get the message that I mailed back to you?" I said. 

The officer shook his head and held up the sheaf of papers that contained my hand-scrawled reply, then he let them all drop to the ground like dead leaves in autumn.

"You should've never left the baby shower," said the cop as he entered the patrol car; "THAT's where you belong." Then his tires screeched as he raced off into the distance.

So I walked back to the house from in the very beginning — the one that had the nice garden — and everyone was still there engaging in small-talk and admiring the flowers. "Bryan! welcome back," said a voice, and when I looked to see who had spoken, I recognized that it was the same woman I'd glimpsed earlier dusting the chandelier. Now she offered me a drink as if she had been expecting me. Taking my free hand, she led me down a hallway that terminated in three distinct chambers whose gateways were closed; and there was a sign over each of these entrances: the first read "UNFINISHED BUSINESS"; the second, "BIRDWATCHING"; and the third, "ETERNAL REWARD". 

"Which way shall we wander?" said the woman. 

I stared at each path intently. Then I said: "This is a trick question, for they're all the selfsame chamber."

The woman smiled and answered, "You ARE subtle! — OK, here: you deserve to view the invisible bonus..." And she pulled back a secret panel of the wall to the left of the leftmost choice, whose sign said: "DIE AT THE RIGHT TIME".

Narrowing my eyes, after a moment of thought, I replied: "They're all still one."

She and I both burst into laughter as we strolled forth into the zone labeled "BIRDWATCHING".