Once upon a time there was a town called Black Leather Glove Clutching Telephone Handset. And there were two major problems going on there. First, their king was a nice guy. That's not one of the problems: it's just a fact that you should know. The problems were as follows. NUMBER ONE: a killer kitten was on the loose murdering victims right and left. PROBLEM NUMBER TWO: the town was being well pleased by a cool new fad — you see, young lovers were shacking up together and kissing and serving each other turkey without first getting married. (The reason it's important to get married before living harmoniously is that Jehovah God almost killed the son of Moses and his wife Zipporah for being uncircumcised [Exodus 4:24]. As the Apostle Paul wrote in his 1st letter to the Corinthians [7:19] "Circumcision is nothing — all that matters is that you keep the commandments of God." And since God commanded every male to be circumcised [Genesis 17:10], young lovers should wed.)
Now the nice king of the town of Black Leather Glove was a little TOO nice. That is to say, when his citizenry would break the town's ten commandments (all of which commanded the same command: "THOU SHALT GET MARRIED"), the nice king would forgive them. He'd simply look the other way. Now, this might not seem like much of a terror to you, O gentle reader, but just think of the trouble that this causes to someone who's trying to sell a story: the teller is deprived of rising action. No audience goes to the theater to watch a play that just hovers there in peacefulness; on the contrary: moviegoers want seduction, sin, & scandal! So it became necessary that the nice king take a vacation. The head honcho of all the Hollywood Studios clutched the handset of the telephone within his black leather glove, after dialing the royal palace; and he said:
"Hi, I'm trying to reach the Nice Guy King — is that you? Oh, good! Hello, this is the Big Boss of Hollywood speaking. I'm going to need you to ice yourself, just temporarily. Yeah, go ahead and change costumes: become a lowly friar instead. You know, like a monk. And I'm going to hire a new actor to come in and play your role for a while, just to get some beheadings going, otherwise we're gonna take a beating at the box office. Catch my drift? Excellent. So I'll do that thing that they did in the movie MULHOLLAND DRIVE (2001), where the mysterious authorities behind the scenes swapped out one starlet for another. But I'll make sure you're resurrected in the end. Yes, yes, yes, I'll also send my messenger nicknamed 'the Cowboy' to give you further instructions about performing your alternate role. Thanks for being so cooperative. Bye for now."
So the nice king became a monk for the sake of the moneymen. And a jerk named Claudio came and donned his old costume. Meanwhile, like I mentioned before, there's this killer kitten going from household to household and demanding saucers of milk "or else"; and, if the people who answer the door don't comply with this kitty's demands, she bites their neck and smears their blood all over the doorposts.
"Alright, send in the next defendant," mutters the brand new Mean King Claudio. And now we audience members who've been paying attention gasp and nearly choke on our popcorn, for we recognize that the criminal who's scheduled to be beheaded is the very same actor who played Young Moses in the parenthetical scene above, where Jehovah God pays a house-call to abort his child. New Mean King Claudio addresses the guilty criminal like so:
"Unrepentant lawbreaker! It has come to my attention that you have been shacked up with your soul-mate Zipporah, who is reportedly a Midianite with a lovely chocolate complexion, and you two have been kissing and serving each other turkey without ever bothering to register with the World Church. Can this be true? (You don't need to answer; I've already condemned you to be decapitated. I studied law at Harvard.)" Then this Mean King sez to the Butcher: "Off with his head!"
So the town's Butcher waddles over to the pilloried Moses, lifts his machete and thrusts it down. Our film cuts to a shot of a human head rolling across the courtroom. Lo, now the head comes to a stop when it bonks against the tip of a ruby stiletto (which is a type of women's shoe that was popular in ancient Vienna), & the camera pans up to reveal an extremely distinguished woman. The golden subtitle on the screen now reads: "MIRIAM, SISTER OF MOSES".
"I'm glad that I was able to bribe our friend, the Butcher here, to spare my brother by chopping the head off of a tailor's dummy instead," declares Miriam in a velvety voice.
Now the Brand New Mean King Claudio rises from his throne, places his hands together in a prayerlike gesture, and begs Miriam to come & shack up with him in the garden of Eden, later this evening, once the sun goes down: "We can kiss; and I'll serve you turkey, fresh from the oven."
Miriam accepts the offer; however, in an act of deceit, she sends Bloody Mary the Harlot to the rendezvous in her place (just like she got the tailor's dummy to redeem her brother Moses when he got axed); thus the unsuspecting Claudio kisses Mary and serves her turkey all night long. Then, at sunup, the pair of sinners open their eyes and see that the entire cast and crew are standing over them, smirking. Moses mutters:
"Well, well, well. It looks like Zipporah and I are not the only ones whose firstborn is in God's crosshairs. Look at the little Christ Child there, in the mini-ark floating upon the Nile."
And, sure enough, there is a manger on the riverrun nearby, proving Claudio to be a hypocrite. (Claudio's the Mean King who took the place of the nice king, in case you forgot.) Claudio stammers: "But I caused Miriam here to reform overnight. She is therefore no longer a Harlot but technically a Magdalene. And thus we are wed, in the eyes of the LORD."
Zipporah turns and looks at Jehovah God, who is standing with the crew above the adulterers and casually tossing a stone in his hand. "Check again," sez Jehovah to Claudio; "that maid ain't Miriam."
Claudio does a double take at his spouse and then shrieks and articulates distinctly: "A bloody wife art thou, on account of this new testament." (That is why, to this day, Christ's mother is known as the Virgin Mary.)
But Miriam steps forward and places her hand on the lips of the LORD, who looks like he's about to start cursing: "Forgive them," she sez; "for they knew not what they did. I myself am mostly to blame; for I set them up, using the techniques outlined on my website: MIRIAM'S MATCHMAKING."
And, at this point, the nice guy who played the king in all the earlier black-&-white scenes steps forward in his monk's cloak (which now proves to be multicolored) and reveals that he's not actually a lowly friar but THE ALIEN DEITY and rightful owner of this dimension.
Jehovah God is dumbstruck momentarily. He tries to flee; but the nice king grabs him by the tunic and sez:
"Be at peace, my son; I am not here to castigate. I voluntarily relinquished all my powers to Mean Man Claudio, because the studio execs said that it would make a better film. 'This thing needs more bloodshed,' they argued; 'more law & order'. Although I personally disagreed, I decided to give them just enough rope to hang themselves; that's why there's that computer-generated image of a kitten committing atrocities in the background of every shot. But now I'm back to play my old role as the nice king again. Thankfully, we were able to get that tailor's dummy to save Moses' neck; but if this irritates the executives, I guarantee they'll be appeased once they get a glimpse of Mary's love scene — I think it turned out great! Claud, my friend, I must admit: you serve a good turkey. Now let's all do a curtain call and meet at Bryan Ray's Diner, where we can sip absinthe while waiting for the reviews to come in. Oh, and I almost forgot: as long as I'm giving a public address, I'd like to ask for Miriam's hand in marriage."
Miriam engages in open silence.
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