17 February 2022

Thots on Feb Seventeen

My friend Iceland and I went for a walk in New York during the time when it was most violent. 

Murderous criminals and psychopaths leaped out of the shadows and charged toward us, but we said: 

“Stop. Turn from your wicked ways and join our clique.” 

And the villains all changed their lives around and became friends with Iceland and me.

“She’s pretty,” said one of the ex-criminals, pointing to my walking companion.

“Iceland is a country, not a person,” I explained, smoothing the ex-criminal’s hair. “It has no sex.”

Then we all traveled on foot to Japan and met my old manager from the eyeglass factory where I used to work. His name is Mister Kobinawa (I’m unsure about the spelling; but that’s how it’s pronounced). “Hello,” we said collectively; then I took charge and spoke alone as the leader of our pack: 

“Mister Kobinawa, remember me? Bryan Ray from the Pentax Factory. This is my entourage. We came to visit you. Allow me to make some introductions. This here is Iceland; go ahead and shake hands. And then these rough-looking creeps are some criminals from New York. Ha, ha, don’t be afraid: I meant to say EX-criminals: they’re all reformed now; they’re really nice people — touch their hair, pet their limbs. There’s no longer any reason to fear them; they all read poetry now, and they’re solely concerned with intellectual issues — none of them have any interest in mayhem anymore; in fact, it’s hard to get them to pay attention when I’m teaching about, say, subatomic physics, because they tire of the side of reality that concerns tangible matter and wish to remain strictly on the side of the elusive mind (we call it the spiritual world: it is real); but I remind them that the subatomic realm is sort of a halfway house between the two worlds — this recaptures their attention. Anyway, how have you been? You look the same as ever: your hair is black, and your slacks are gray.”

“Bryan!” said Mister Kobinowa, “I remember you! You’re the technician who configured the old vacuum coating machine’s computer’s monitor’s screen-saver to display a scrolling picture of a flame-grilled hamburger! Welcome to Japan!”

Mister Kobinawa served us Long Island iced tea; then he took us out to the cabbage patch at the back of his bungalow, to show us all the new projects that he is working on. Then we left to catch our train.

When we arrived in Oklahoma, we worked underground and helped out all the communities there. Deliveries of food and medicine went to many families, and we met some of the most genuinely affectionate personnel in all of showbiz. Iceland and I sat on a couch with a woman whose own mother as well as her daughter were both having a sad day at the very same time. So we presented them with two black cats, whose coats were sleek and shiny; and this cheered them up. The cats were also happy that we had connected them with tender, fun-loving people — I know this, because I speak their language. Wipe that smirk off your face.

Then we went to Asia and Russia, and we toured through east and west Europe, and all of the Americas. We mingled with human beings everywhere. We bought people coats, and they hugged and kissed us. All my ex-criminals even knocked on one fellow’s door and, when he opened it, they sang him a song about an old lonely soldier. This guy ended up joining our coterie — he’s with us to this day: his name is Tim.

It’s hard to believe that a posse as legitimate as ours would ever garner any enemies. And, let me tell you, you’re most likely correct. We operate on a policy of “Don’t wonder about who might be against you; just treat everyone as if they’re on your side.” And this seems to work; for even when foreign and domestic spies send us honeypots — that is, when they bribe local seductresses to compromise our good character — we accept their advances graciously and then freely allow the stories leak to the press. “Bryan Ray’s Entire Congregation Caught Cuddling with Attractive Individuals” declares the headline. I’ve found that it’s best simply to write an op-ed explaining my motives for encouraging my followers to share the gift of love with one other. This usually wins me a date with whoever is reading. 

And one of my favorite adventures was when Iceland and I decided to purchase our own media network. We got the idea to do this while watching a famous movie by Orson Welles. The antihero of that film purchased a newspaper. When I saw that scene, I turned to Iceland, who was munching on popcorn, and said: 

“You and I should take over an entire media network: for that would be better than owning just one periodical.” 

And Iceland, after taking a sip of soda, replied: “Do you mean independent media or mainstream?” 

I took a moment to think before answering; then I said: “Mainstream, for sure.” 

And then Iceland smiled and added: “Why not purchase ALL the mainstream media networks of the globe?” 

So that’s what we did. Then we flooded them with content about wholesome activities like knitting and snowboarding; and the populace therefore began to turn its attention to these things. People all over every nation became huge fans of the poetry of A.E. Housman, because we (Iceland and I, the latest mainstream media moguls) broadcast Mr. Housman’s work continuously. Also most people took up the hobbies of either knitting or snowboarding — and sometimes both.

So everything kept turning out great. If you want to liken our life at this time to a critic’s blurb about Dante’s PARADISO, you might say “It feels like a laser-light show in the outer spaces.” (That’s a good thing, by the way.) 

And we inherited a cabin in the woods. We also inherited a trailer home. So we summered in one and wintered in the other — it was a blast.

Teachers around the world started paying more attention to their students, and students started recognizing the true worth of their teachers. 

Also we let the animals redo their zoos. And the creatures that had died in extinction events were allowed to come back and prowl around. It felt dangerous, but it was truly just a time for everyone to go exploring new lifestyles and dimensions. 

The clothing fads that Iceland and I approved, in the fashion sections of our mainstream media outlets, were skirts cut directly below the knee, and dresses whose hemline fell just above the ankle. Preferably, pleated, in either case. Also collared blouses. That’s what we stamped our approval on.

And everyone went out and got the bob cut. And some had bangs. And many had braids. Also others sported pigtails. But a few had a flowing wig that put all natural hair to shame. — We debated about this latter phenomenon for a week or two, but then we ran out of coffee, and Iceland and I grew distracted by a project that had caught our eye: a sculpture in wood and epoxy, painted red. So we sort of had to relinquish control of our empire.

I wept for a day or two, but it wasn’t as bad as losing a grade-school girlfriend.

Now Iceland and I got on our motorbikes, and we told our ex-criminals from New York to follow us closely yet discreetly in their tour bus. We went on a road trip, which stopped at the gardens of sixteen households. That was as much as we could handle. We were overwhelmed with the beauty. And they allowed us to taste-test the vegetables that were growing there. It’s a weird thing, how food comes straight from the dirt. 

And a few of the manor houses even had a couple free-roaming cows and several chickens. This elated me, because, I repeat, I know how to talk to them. They all admitted to being decently happy. — I quipped “Yeah, that’s cuz you don’t follow politics.” 

They replied, “Are you serious? then why not change things?” and they tried to pass me a plowshare. 

I said “What’s this?” 

They answered, “You can beat it into a sword.” 

I rolled my eyes and buried it next to my magic wand.

3 comments:

annaname said...

As The most Genuinely Affectionate Personnel in all of Showbiz, I thank you dearly for having me join you & Iceland on the Okinawa-Oklahoma express this afternoon!
Seeing how you've turned the entire mainstream media to only caring about knitting, snowboarding, poetry and leaked stories (HA! loved that little twist) I'll feel much happier following politics from now on! I'm sure everyone's on Our side!

Bryan Ray said...

Well, on behalf of Iceland and the rest of our gang from NY, we thank you for being our first member who is not either a former criminal or nonhuman landmass. In fact, we all took a vote today and elected you to be our Most Cherished individual. Now we all sing the song from "The Jumblies" by Edward Lear which goes "O Timballo! How happy we are..."

annaname said...

Since I am indeed neither a former criminal nor a nonhuman landmass, being elected Most Cherished individual was honestly always the highest ambition I could possibly have for myself! I will humbly wear this new title with extreme gratitude as well as joyfully partake in any adventure & quest that Our ensemble shall enter upon!

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