From Officer T to Officer A

My readership meets every Wednesday in the Minnesota Lodge to discuss my week’s writings. I was surprised to hear so many people at today’s meeting interpret the grizzly bear costume that I have been wearing in my most recent tales as a joke or a silly prank. It is no such thing. It is a terrifying outfit. The idea stems from my days of being a shaman. You see, to become a shaman who has magical powers, you must endure being shot with a crystal and then die. After wandering around in the world of the dead for longer than is tolerable, you revive yourself: you resurrect. Now you may clothe yourself in a bear-bodysuit and bear-head. It’s not some humorous routine on a late night talk show: this is serious business.

So, anyway, I remain dressed as a bear while sojourning on Planet Earth. I trust that my readers will fear me. My days are spent riding around in patrol cruisers with armed bureaucrats (policemen). 

Now I was sitting in the passenger seat of my partner Tim’s cop car; and we were rolling down the avenue, observing the wildlife. I then pointed to the Minnesota Lodge and said, “Stop there. I wanna go in and see what my readership is saying about me.”

So Officer Tim took a hard left and screeched to a halt. After climbing out of the vehicle’s windows, we unsheathed our weapons and held them stiffly upright; then kicked open the sliding doors.

“Bryan! Welcome! What a treat!” said the woman at the podium.

I had a nice talk with these ladies. A butler came from the hotel next door and served salmon and wine. — I learned a lot about myself. 

Later in the evening, as Officer Tim and I were in our police boat, trolling for trout, I held up my wrist and looked at my watch and exclaimed “Tim, I’m sorry to scare the fish away by talking so loudly, but, if we don’t leave the lake this instant, we will miss the Great Dance that my fan club scheduled.”

Officer Tim gave a firm nod and turned the boat around. We got the boat safely onto the trailer of our truck and wiped off all the algae from its propeller; then we secured the boat with bungee cords and raced over to the Minnesota Lodge.

The Great Dance had already started. There was music being played by a woodwind section, all of whose members were blowing into flutes that were carved from human bones. The sound made us feel awe. I looked at Officer Tim and he appeared worried. “What do you make of this?” I nudged his elbow. He shook his head and said “I’m not sure that we will be alive by sundown.”

The reason that this Great Dance was so horrifying is that, as I explained above, the music was otherworldly; and when you entered the main expanse where the festival was occurring — by the way, the whole dance floor, for whatever reason, had been coated with fresh sand — if you made one false move, you would be dismembered.

(To anyone out there who assumes that, because I am a shaman who has died once already, I might have conquered my fear of death, let me inform you: it ALWAYS sux to die.)

So we went out onto the dance floor and started moving; and eventually Tim got killed. They ripped him limb from limb. 

So, since my partner had been cannibalized, I had to drive the patrol cruiser home myself, which was a burden because I dislike motorized vehicles. Plus I had three women in the back and two in the passenger seat, from my readership; so I was distracted. Thankfully we made it to my house swiftly and without any troubles. Then we spent the whole night making love.

In the morning, it was time to go to confession. I buckled all my lady-friends into their seats, and we drove to the cathedral.

“God, I hate driving,” I muttered. Then one of the women who was riding with us said “I’ll gladly take the rudder!” — I turned around while sailing down the boulevard and looked straight into this damsel’s eyes: “Are you serious? What’s your name?” 

“We’ve all spent the whole night together and you still don’t know my name?” she smiled. 

Then I slammed on the brakes: “Let me see if I can find you a uniform, Anastasia.”

So I pulled a lever that caused the cruiser’s trunk to pop open. The women and I began to rummage thru the contents of the squad car until we found a female uniform. Anastasia then became my new crimefighting partner: After she changed out of her civilian clothes and into the police outfit, we all saluted her: “Welcome to the force.” 

Officer Anastasia then drove us to the cathedral, where we performed our confession. The priest was very nice: after we finished our storytelling, he put his hands up and said “Who am I to judge?” (We all shared a laugh.)

Now Officer Anastasia and I dropped off the other ladies at their respective mansions and bid them a good afternoon. “What do you wish to avoid next?” asked Anastasia, once we were alone. I thought for a moment and then answered “I’m scheduled to renew my policeman’s license today.” So we went to the park instead and looked at the ducks.

“This is nice,” I said. We then bought a bag of potato chips and shared it.

Now good movies started to appear at all the cinemas. So Anastasia and I attended the Princess Film Festival and screened these new releases: we were surprised at their genius. Then we watched a few classic titles that are among our favorites.

“Everything’s getting better, all the time,” I remarked to Officer Anastasia, while we both were enjoying buttered popcorn and watching one of the best movies ever made. She smiled and nodded.

But then there was a murder at a cabin in the woods, so Anastasia and I interrupted our evening meal to go investigate it. At the crime scene, we found hair and blood and shredded pieces of clothing. When bringing these items to the lab, we tapped the shoulder of the nearest white-smocked scientist who was working there and said “Make sure you discover who authored this evil act.” The team of scientists all solemnly swore to justify God’s ways to man. And, believe me, they did.

Then we visited an amusement park and rode the ferris wheel, Officer Anastasia and I. When we were at the top of its arc, she told me about her childhood. — I wept, and she comforted me. — Then we got off and bought hotdogs.

Somehow, near the end of our careers, we ended up solving a vicious murder that occurred on the Fourth of July, during the fireworks. Someone was jabbing a knife blade into an innocent person, over and over; either that, or they were using a chainsaw to… I honestly can’t remember what we discovered — it’s so long ago now, and I’d rather not relive the gory details — but our policework really did make the whole world proud. 

Best of all, we invented a way where you could avoid all bad events without needing to take any hallucinogenic drugs. The secret is this: You simply talk to the person who’s in charge, and they listen to you; then the bad events go away. So you can live and feel comfort and pleasure instead of fear and pain. High-five to Officer Anastasia for helping me accomplish this.