A contribution to humanity

I’m tired of writing philosophies that help mankind. I’m tired of writing philosophies that win awards in Ancient Greece. I want to write a bad philosophy, for a change. Something that, if followed, will not help but harm. For the world has too much goodness, and we need to balance that out.

MY BAD PHILOSOPHY

First, understand that all wisdom comes from me. My name is Bryan Ray.

Topic One: What is matter? Answer: Matter is beach-sand. When combined with drops of rain, it forms the animals of eternity. Satan the Devil is one such animal. Subquestion: Is matter infinitely divisible, or does it consist of little dots or blips, known as points? Answer: Everything can be divided down to the size of breath; but, once it’s a mist that can be exhaled into the nostrils of another organism, it stops splitting and decides to bloat out by increasing the void between its own granules; thus it takes the shape of whatever body it has infested — hence the soul; and if this process occurs outside of an organism, then the whatness explodes to the size of its local environment, where it meets all the other spirits that are similarly blowing up bodiless, and in reversal of the divisive process outlined above, these lost souls merge and actuate the Holy Ghost. That’s how polytheism and monotheism are reconciled: The One True God is made up of godlings. That’s also why the fusion bomb works so well.

How high is Heaven? Is it in outer space, or just the top layer of Earth’s atmosphere? And, if you have time for a second question: How deep is the ocean, and where is Hell? 

Heaven is on top of Mount Olympus. That’s where most of the deities live. You can climb up there, but it’s hard: for they toss down rocks. If you manage to attain the plateau, you can see Zeus and Hera and Hermes and Calliope in action. But Poseidon lives in the deep: he likes it wet. — Don’t bed the gods; save your seed for the goddesses.

As for Hell, yes, it is under the sea. Make sure you check out the blue light district, when you visit.

I know that I’ve been talking a lot about wisdom, but the truth is that wisdom isn’t very important. What’s important is being average. People prefer a person to be vapid and low; not too conspicuously bright. Try to act your age; but then dial it down a couple notches — NOW you’re somebody.

Prudence may be filed away: it is entirely up to you whether you employ it or not, in your upcoming endeavors.

Don’t bathe in the fountain of wisdom, unless you’re a mother who is alert and keenly interested in others — this renders you attractive. Hot moms can basically do whatever they want.

Second question: Are there everlasting commandments? Answer: No — all of God’s laws are subject to change without notice.

What is sin? Sin is killing your father Adam and wedding his creatrix Eve KNOWINGLY. For Eve is the mother of all the living (Genesis 3:20). But if you do these things unknowingly, you’re sin-free. So my suggestion is that you get yourself born as a girl, and preferably have the man Adam die in childbirth, while his rib is being removed (Doctor Yahweh’s appointment book shows a sex-change operation is scheduled for next Sinday) — that way, it cannot be argued that you intended to exterminate Adam and usurp his kingdom: no reasonable juror would believe it. Then, arrange fate so that your Heavenly Father (the source material for the sculpture that you slew by sabotaging the self-portrait Adam) puts you up for adoption, because he doesn’t have the wherewithal to raise you. (He is an unsuccessful gold-digger.) Get bought by a mountaintop, and go to finishing school. Then come back to your hometown someday and marry the most debased courtesan in the district. This shall be the creatrix of the creatrix: Eve’s Oversoul and source model, Lilith (being the selfsame, the two are one, like Jesus and Lucifer), but none of ye will ever know it. Heaven is just beyond the last hole of your golf course, and you have a mansion now with your name in lights arching over it. (Few bulbs are burnt out.)

Third question: Does a lack of sinfulness turn away wrath or attract it? — I’m unsure. That’s my honest answer.

If you find yourself angry at your children, or at other people’s children, sternly berate them. Speak your piece. Let it all out.

Question: Is patience a virtue? Answer: I myself prefer joyfulness and merriment.

(Q #4) Is godliness ever an abomination? (A) A better question would be: When is godliness ever NOT an abomination? 

But how about sinners: Should sinners ever desire wisdom? — To this, I say: Keep my commandments, and I shall bless you sometime later. Trust and believe me.

And yet, what if a damsel is poor and hath a double heart? Is there any chance for delight to come her way? Answer: Yeah, I’m willing to delight her. It depends on what the terms of the covenant are. Where is this hypothetical damsel? Did you secure her contact info?

Here’s solid advice: Be a hypocrite in the sight of men, and speak cagily always; but act first and think later. Sink ships, fuck it. All anyone cares about is taking prisoners.

Make yourself big. Dress well. Fix a great number of decorations to your uniform. Show slightly forced lovingkindness to all that exists within the borders of your jurisdiction. Go ahead and bring dishonor upon your soul, if this gets the job done. Let secrets out — they will secure vast treasures for you. Isn’t this obviously the right thing to do? Stand in the midst of your congregation and shout: “Murder me!” Then instruct them all to cannibalize your remains. You’ll become a savior of these same fools — now they’re trapped. They’ve got to live out the rest of their lives with your apparition looming over their psyches. Always sport a dull expression. And, even if it means losing everything, pose like a winner.

MY BAD PHILOSOPHY

Section II

Temptation is good fun. Let yourself receive a tempting: don’t knock it till you’ve succumbed. Find a temptress and say: “Try me.” You won’t regret it.

It has been said of old “Ye that fear the Lord, wait for his mercy; and go not aside, lest ye fall.” But I say unto you: “Everything is relative; therefore, what seems from Perspective Z to be ‘the fall’, from Perspective A appears to be an act of ‘rising in glory’.”

However, it’s good to wonder: Will the Lord ever truly reward me, if I believe in him? And I answer that it depends upon who this “Lord” of yours truly is. Is he a trustworthy fellow? Did he ever make a promise that he didn’t keep? I’d recommend doing a thorough background-check upon him, before risking your soul. But, if you’re the gambling type, then go ahead and throw caution to the wind — you’ve got nine lives: use a few to test out this theory. Let us know what you find. I’ve heard he claims he’s the Most High God. None of us really speak much to the fellow; so we can’t vouch for his character.

Now I suppose we should tackle the concept of parents. Should they be honored by their children or not? I say: Go ahead and honor them — and procreate children of your own, as well, so that you can experience a rendition of what your parents suffered by raising you yourself. But if you see thru this whole charade, then just find a way to pass the time till you die: This world is a wash.

Howbeit: What if thy father is dishonored? Should we rejoice in his downfall? My honest answer is: Go ahead. Eat, drink, and be merry. My boilerplate stance is to perform the action that accords most with the potential harmony of our perceivable surroundings. Let the unknown take care of what is imperceivable. 

In other words: Glory freely in the dishonor of your father; for, if you fail to glory in the dishonor of your father, then how will your father’s dishonor ever bring glory to YOU!? (Lo, the glory of a man stems from the dishonor of his father; and an honorable mother is a stench in the nostrils of her children.)

Is it good to melt ice? Yes, melt ice — flood the land. If necessary, increase the global temperature.

How about blasphemy: is that permissible? Answer: Please, I beseech ye all to blaspheme without ceasing. Your mother is cursed. God abused her; she’s dead. What more do you want?

And regarding meekness, is it approved? No, it is not. Act however is the opposite of meek. (I myself have acted meekly, all my life; and it has gotten me nowhere: I built my forever-house in the desert of meekness — I like it here, and I don’t want any fellow-settlers.)

Final question: Is it better to be (Choice A) successful in the public eye, a celebrity who is gawked at by the populace; or (Choice B) an obscure scholar who knows all the secrets to life? — I say: Strive for the former.