Doom Cloud

While reclining upon a bale of hay, one starry night, after spending my whole day milking cows on our family farm, I was suddenly shocked awake by the sound of a Doom Cloud. I leapt to my feet and dashed over to my father: “Grab the shotgun!” I yelled; then I commanded my brother Paul to guard the grain.

Now I’m ducking for cover under the tractor. The barn is on fire, because Darl from the novel As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner is on the attack. Presumably, he’s also the one who is piloting the Doom Cloud. 

During a lull in the action, I creep out from under the tractor and look around. My father and brother are relaxing, watching television. “Dad,” I shout, “I told you to grab the shotgun!” Then I yell to my brother: “Paul, get up and go guard the grain! Can’t you see that the Doom Cloud is approaching?”

The Doom Cloud comes screeching & roaring & humming & gunning. It flies right past my head. Here’s where I quote a line from Hitchcock’s film North by Northwest:

“That thing’s dustin’ crops where there ain’t no crops!”

Now the projectiles & red heat rays & liquefied acid all shower down on our mother as she’s watering a houseplant. 

I shake my fist at the sky and say: “Doom Cloud, hear this — I’ll hunt you till the end of my candle. Did you really think that you could come here and melt all my family, acquaintances, and co-workers? Well you better watch your hinder parts, because I will find a way to strike back when it’s least expected.”

Then the Doom Cloud comes roaring out of the heavens and showers me with a full metal rainstorm. But while everyone around me is dropping dead like corpses on a war-field, I grab the hand of your girlfriend, who happened to be visiting me this afternoon, and we safely coast away on a toboggan.