Gumball Waterfall
Watch your head: it is not safe to stand underneath the gumball
waterfall. Reach your hand out carefully and take a sample. The gumballs are colorful,
and they taste like brine.
It is a natural phenomenon. Just look at all that gum falling
forcefully downward.
When I was a child growing up in
Philadelphia just before the First World War, my friends and I would walk down to
Topps’ Convenience Shop and buy packs of baseball cards. Each of these packs contained
a piece of hard pink gum, which was in the shape of a rectangle: small, flat, and
extremely stiff. I mention this fact to distinguish Topps’ gum from the type that
cascades from the gumball waterfall: the latter is soft and round; it almost seems
pre-chewed, but not in a bad way.
New Table
Just as we all love the scent of a new car’s interior, everyone
admires the look of a new refectory table. That’s why I bought one and placed it
in front of my couch.
My new table has a glass top, which is cut in shape of a kidney
bean. Please use a coaster for your drink, and try not to spill. The base of the
table is a solid piece of driftwood. Go ahead and stand on it — it’s sturdy. Do
you want to watch some news shows on TV?
I couldn’t help but notice that, before taking your seat on my
couch just now, you kept your blouse on but removed your skirt. To each his own,
I guess.
“Yes, this sure has a stable structure,” you say while kicking
your feet up on the surface of the new table, and, in the process, almost knocking
over your drink. “I like watching news shows on cable television — thanks for having
me over, Bryan. You live like a king; this table’s glass top is luxurious.”
Stylish Bonnet
Now look at my bonnet. I tie its two strings underneath my chin
and fasten it tight. It protects me from the sun. Ultramodern, yet tastefully pretty.
It really helps to keep my ears warm. Note the frills along the brim.
I’ll now loosen the strings and take a sip from my goblet.
Spoon Catcher
Hi there. I am a card-holding spoon catcher. Alright, that’s
enough gabbin’ — let’s go out and catch some spoons . . .
We use waterfowl for bait. Yes!—just now a wild spoon got tethered
in our trap.
So much for gathering; let’s do some hunting . . .
I go off and hide in a bush with my Glock pistol. Eventually
I see a mother spoon pass by, followed by twelve baby spoons . . .
I discharge my weapon. There’s twisted metal and a sound like
shrieking.
We gather the dead spoons and return to America by sundown. We
trade our spoons at the market for two skeets and two eels. To prove that there
are no hard feelings between us, the seller adds to our shopping bag, free of charge,
some helium, formaldehyde, silk, and bark. So you and I glue all this together and
apply a layer of silicone to make it rust-proof. Then we affix a propeller to our
score and fly away.
Head Dispenser
A customer places a nickel in the slot of the machine and turns
the switch: Now a head comes rolling down the off-ramp. The customer says “Yay!”
and shimmies in excitement. Customers are pleased by the simplest things.
A mother and her daughter are standing nearby. The daughter asks:
“Mom, may I buy some heads from the dispenser?”
“No,” snaps mom; “those things are loaded with sugar: they’ll
ruin your teeth. Plus, it’s immoral to purchase human heads.”
The daughter must settle for an order of breadsticks with garlic
dip.
Actor Tractor
What if you were to join my drama troupe, and we all began performing
a play by Shakespeare, and our acting was so lousy that the tractor from my grandparents’
farm actually woke up and drove all the way to Manhattan just to intimidate us —
despite the fact that it has been sitting unused for decades with no fuel in its
tank. Yes, what if this unmanned tractor just appeared out of nowhere and began
chasing us around and trying to murder us!
Poisonous Pacifier
Sorry, but I’m going to reject your proposal for a new product
to add to our line of baby supplies. A fat, orange, rubbery nipple that is laced
with cyanide does not strike me as a good idea.
Sharp Stomach
I went to the store called Oh Kay Items and bought this external
stomach that is uncharacteristically sharp. It is difficult to hold: one might even
use it to administer lethal aid to an aggressor.
The stomach is sold in a package that includes a brass mallet,
which can be struck against the lining of the stomach so that it dings like a bell.
Normally I only buy stomachs that are soft, but I do not regret
taking a chance upon this razor-sharp stomach. It shall give me years of amusement.
Auto-Lawn
A totally automated lawn that mows itself. Completely robotic,
with programmable functions. Not only gas-powered but 100% electric as well, so
it’s environmentally friendly (hence its green plastic casing). This sure is an
untroubled future that we have managed to straddle.
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