Handful of Briefs

The Sick Chamber

I run a small mom-&-pop shop called Chamber of Sickness. This business idea has proven successful. Our banner out front says: “Come on in & get sick!”

A clerk at the counter asks the next customer in line: “You want it slow & debilitating, or quick & bloody?” Then, prior to administering the requested service, the clerk reads off a legal disclaimer warning that there may be no cure for this procedure; and the customer signs a document stating “I understand that suffering is guaranteed.”

People can choose from a variety of illnesses: our menu offers everything from bubonic plague to yellow fever, including (but not limited to) typhoid, malaria, tuberculosis, cholera, trichinosis, polio, botulism, rabies, and the common cold.

Ten Things You Might Not Know About Me

I like to snowboard. I like to watch professional bas­ketball. I’m codependent on my girlfriend. I like television. I want to buy the Game Boy Advance (a handheld video-game console) because I heard that its games are fun. I like the rock music that was popular during my youth. I also like some of the rap music from that same time, if it was played on the radio a lot. I love the soft drink Mountain Dew: I just gulp it down. I like watching the movie Titanic (1997); I find it spellbinding and captivating. Let us celebrate our diversity and donate money to higher education — this will help the children to become better people. Legalized cannabis is more difficult to keep lit.

Love that Kills

Love is a precious and beautiful phenomenon, but if you aren’t vigilant, it will murder you with explosives. Let me explain:

One time, my girlfriend and I went for a walk in the park. We began to hold hands; then, stopping at a clearing, we locked eyes, smiled shyly, and engaged in a tender kiss. — Next thing we knew, landmines were detonating everywhere, and there were fighter planes and mercenaries with bayonets.

Yes, love can seem benevolent on the surface, but give it a chance and it will skewer you with a spear: it will sink its teeth into your flesh: it will bite your head off and spit it out.

MORAL: Love is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs, for it will certainly ambush you — its glittering sword will slash your frame to pieces.

Fountain of Archduchess-Liquid

I had dedicated my life to searching for the Subtlest World Wonder, known as The Fountain of Archduch­ess-Liquid; for I heard that merely tasting its essence would restore one’s luck. So I recruited a crew of twenty-nine strong girls, and we traveled the globe.

At one point, we sailed past a whole island of Sirens that were blaring; but we ignored the noise and waved to the divisions that were stationed there. They looked like they wished they could join us.

Finally, after many adventures and a magnificent climax, we came into sight of our destination. With great reverence, I stepped before the fountainhead and parted my lips to receive its elixir.

Primeval Ice Jungle

A place exists that has neither air nor living souls: it is called the Primeval Jungle of Ice. Its vines strangle you. All the birds are metal. Everything is covered in soot. The entire landscape is arctic blue and frozen. Your breath would steam, if you could breathe. The place resembles the parking lot of a closed mall in winter. No flowers, no animals can survive here — only choke-vines.