From Facial Cleanser to Home Restoration

Today, while I was reading thru all my regular news sites, I stumbled upon this really interesting essay by Bryan Ray, and it was better than anything else I've ever skimmed. Please share it with your house-pet.

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Facial Cleanser

I like facial cleanser because it helps one to look more presentable. A clean face is good to behold.

Additionally, I like the bubbles that some facial cleansers contain. They remind me of a carbonated beverage. For some reason, soap always seems more effective when it is sudsy.

I find it rewarding to scrub crud away from any unclean surface. Your girlfriend once confessed to me her fear of appearing unattractive; so I told her that using facial cleanser might help. The type that she bought had a minty scent.

Corona Beer & Folgers Coffee

Corona is considered a light beer. It goes down smooth and tastes fine.

Folgers is a brand of coffee sold in the States. Elderly people drink it to get a buzz (caffeine is the active ingredient). It has a smooth, light beer taste, as well; and nice fizz like a quality face-wash that contains a tingling exfoliator.

Boxing

Unlike baseball, the quintessential U.S. pastime is boxing — it is the Official Favorite National Sport. It consists of two people fighting. They move swiftly and hit each other in the face. Brains get splattered; blood gets spilled. Boxing remains fashionable because it offers so much action.

If you have a chance to watch something on television, skip the tennis match, skip golf, skip bowling, skip the gondola races — watch boxing instead. You’ll see dodging, ducking, swinging arms, punching, and biting.

Best Buy (multinational consumer electronics retailer)

My friend told me the following story: Once, he went into a Best Buy superstore with the intention of purchasing an audio cassette. Looking around at all the items on the display shelves, he saw CDs, DVDs, HDTVs, cellphones, and laptop computers; but he could find no audio cassette tapes. Then a clerk passed by, so he asked her for help. “I’m looking for the audio tapes,” said my friend. The clerk looked confused: “Audio tapes? I’ve never heard of them — sorry, I’m not very old: maybe that technology was before my time.” Then the clerk walked away, and my friend left the store feeling sad and angry.

The Boring Life of Rock Stars

The most enviable career that any United Statesian can imagine is “Lead Vocalist in a Heavy Metal Band”. Let’s say that you achieve this dream. Now I ask you: “Is success all that it’s cracked up to be — do you LIKE your life as a Rock Star?” And you answer with confidence:

“No. I do not. Now that I’ve experienced it for more than half a century, I realize that, however godlike I appear when posing onstage while the music is thrashing, the bliss is transient; because, as soon as our tour concludes, I must return to my family and live a normal life as an average joe. For I was blessed with a spouse and two children.”

Then I ask you one last question: “During your latest performance, I saw you bite the head off a bat — did you truly consume its soul?”

“No,” you laugh, “that was a fake rodent that I got at a Halloween Gift Shop. After the show, I went home and fell asleep on the couch. Then I woke to the sound of the doorbell — when I answered, there were two cops standing there, and they asked me the same thing: ‘Was that a real bat that you bit?’ So I showed them how the trick was done, and they were grateful and satisfied.”

Roast Beef

Beef that has been roasted is pleasant, although it is not in exactly the same class as fried cheese. Everyone should have affordable access to a crockpot. Peel a potato; now fetch celery and beets.

Actually, you could also make a salad out of some fresh greens, and serve this on the side. Generously drizzle dressing over the leafage.

When it comes to meat, you’ve certainly heard the most famous terms in the industry: “lean”, “fat-free”, and “tough”. But the best way to serve roast beef, if you’re inviting your new bedmate to dine with your parents, is to make sure it’s succulent.

The Great Midwest

We’ve now been teleported into the heartland of the universe. We see chickens, sheep, and cows. Healthy air and cornstalks. It’s a desirable place to end up.

Therapy

Everyone is familiar with the Oedipus Complex, but, right now, I’d rather beat you with a chair than talk about that. What I truly yearn to discuss is your unsolvable problems: the ones that cause you to break out in a rash and feel psycho-frenetic shrieking distress.

Home Restoration

Say that you purchased a house that was built upon a cemetery, so all the ghosts trying to rest in peace underneath you are now upset. My advice is as follows.

Build a deck. Fix your roof. Now return back to the days of your youth and install a swimming pool. Shag carpet helps. Put some adobe on the walls.

MORAL: If your home needs restoring, don’t cower: just get the job done! Perhaps the difficulty of the tasks involved will fill you with anxiety during the initial phases, but calm will return once the project is completed.