Dear reader,
(Just to be clear, I stole the title as well as the body of this blog post from an email that I received from my realtor.)
Are you ready for some summer fun? May your July 5 celebrations include memories to last a lifetime! If you’re interested in feeling like you own a lakeshore paradise with its own recreational haven and grilling utopia, read my new 9-part Independence Day essay:
Independence Day
Well, it’s July Fourth – ay me, look at all the fireflies blasting around in heaven!
Part 1:
Introduction
The Fourth of July holiday occurs annually on July Forth. The
country celebrates by blowing up colorful fireworks. “Dynamite pyrotechnica!” one
woman shouts. There are also firecrackers. “Boom kapow” is the sound they
make — it is loud, not soft. These celebratory effects are intended to mimic the
noises made by guns and bombs. Since both fireworks and firecrackers are illegal
to buy, sell, or possess within the contiguous United States, one must cross the
border into either Mexico or Canada to get them and then sneak them back in.
This is a mirthful holiday, because large parades march down
the main road of every village. The only way that one can feel sad on this day is
if one has been scheduled to work during the festivities.
Notice how many people are holding
and waving U.S. flags. Many attendees of the parade are Foreign-War Veterans, who
are moved to varying degrees by this display of patriotism. The colors of the U.S.
flag are red, white, and blue; and its shapes are stars and stripes.
Would you like to go eat some watermelon? I found a place nearby
that is selling fresh slices.
After dining, we climb on the roof
of our car to view the fireworks. When they begin, you gasp and say: “Wow, that’s
spectacular; it reminds me of the fight for freedom.” We sit here for hours, beholding
the starry night and thinking about war machines and their weaponry.
Part 2:
Bottle Rockets
Here is a fun activity to do: Go out to the corner store and
buy a two-liter bottle of soda pop. Drink it fast. Now take the empty plastic container
that held the beverage and set it on the ground before you. Insert one M-80 firecracker
into the bottle. Light the fuse, and watch your rocket shoot into the sky. See it
zigzag to & fro & up & down. Pray that it does not whiz past somebody’s
hair, or veer off in the direction of the local mall – this could startle the shoppers.
As a precaution, make sure that you’re wearing rubber boots.
The following is a suggested spell to chant while your projectile
is airborne:
Boom…pow…blast…klang…
Bottle rocket, do your thang!
It bears repeating that your bottle rocket should try to avoid
hitting someone’s waterbed. You should never shoot fireworks at anything except
thin air. Note also that the firepower of the rocket will blacken the atmosphere,
making it difficult to see what’s going wrong.
One time, a bottle rocket landed right on the saddle of a horse.
And one rocket put a dent in your father’s car.
If you see children aiming a rocket launcher at someone’s house,
step over to block the shot with your body and say: “Do not do this. You might break
the windows or blow out some walls. If you’re not careful, you could even end up
firing a torpedo right into your own face. Instead, obey the safety rules.”
Elderly people tend to be afraid of rockets, due to the loud
noise that explosives make when they detonate. Young kids also fear projectile weapons,
because they dislike dying – look how they tremble at the thought, while covering
their eyes and holding their breath. Consider how tragic it would be, if a small
child were to ride on a bike and then one of its tires was to get hit by a missile.
Imagine hearing a responsible adult declare: “I love shooting
rockets – that’s how I lost my hand.”
Part 3: Parades,
Analyzed in More Specific Detail
As we established above, you and I both enjoy attending parades.
But let’s focus closer on what makes July-Fourth parades so special and sets them
above the common herd.
First, the people in these parades walk in a measured way. They
also wave flags. You can’t beat that. Plus a band marches after them while playing
patriotic tunes. They have brass instruments, woodwinds and drums. We spectators
are saluting. Soon a float appears whose occupants begin to throw candy to us viewers
on the sidelines. We dash forward to grab as many of these free treats as possible.
I begin to eat mine immediately; you choose to save yours in a plastic cup. If a
piece of candy that is tossed happens to fall in the dirt, this poses no problem:
for each candy has a protective wrapper covering it. But even if the candy had no
wrapper, you could simply wipe off the soiled area – then, it would be safe to eat.
Some of the people in the parade are riding horses. It is only
natural for these horses occasionally to excrete waste upon the road.
Here come the Local Community Firefighters: they are riding their
Great Red Engine. They turn on the siren – it is deafening. You appear frightened,
so I shout to them over the blare: “Please move along, now – you are terrifying
my friend.” The Firemen give us a friendly nod of acknowledgement and then pace
forward.
Next in the procession is a group of young females who, according
to the banner that they are holding, belong to “The Girl Scouts of America”. They
wave to the bystanders as they march past, and some of them unknowingly step in
the horse-poop.
The parade is nearly over. All that’s left are two more marching
bands, and then the grand finale: a glittery float that holds the winner of the
Miss Wisconsin contest. She occupies the topmost pedestal and is flanked by Mother
Mary and Saint Jerome.
Part 4:
Why We Celebrate
In this section, I shall explain why humans celebrate July Fourth.
All the festivities of Independence
Day share the same purpose: to remember the pilgrims. Are you one of the many individuals
who associates leprechauns with the color green, and who thinks of four-leaf clovers
when a certain phrase is whispered in your ear? Then consider what the British Armed
Forces mean to us young Americans. Until we fought them off, we had no place to
form our country. (David Bowie, despite having died, is still afraid of us!)
The style of government that our forefathers chose to implement
may appear strange, at first glance; but it is the best system, as it’s the only
one that we permit to exist. It derives from the idea of friendly swindling. “I’ll
trade you this chair for that pack of gum,” one senator might say to another, and
the exchange rate would hold firm. But if the trade occurred between soldiers from
opposing countries, then the treaty could only be considered legitimate after the
mutual enemies shout in tandem the mantra: “Let us now return to warring against
each other.”
What either nation wanted most was independence from King George
H. W. the First.
(As a bonus, back then, Boston tea was very high in quality –
you couldn’t spill some without instantly regretting it.)
So, once the original earthlings gained independence, the Great
War died. “Take that: POW!” yelled civilization, while thrusting its musket. Then
the people who had been living peacefully on the land before as well as throughout
these battles stepped forth & declared, with open arms: “Welcome, newcomers.”
The earthlings replied by slaughtering these aliens; but only after abusing them
in every way. Thus, by slaying all prior invaders, the rightful earthlings established
ownership of the New World.
Part 5:
Will Smith Movies
Here is a relatively unknown fact, which you may not have noticed.
Every year, the actor Will Smith stars in at least one motion picture that performs
very well at the box office during the weekend of July 4th. For instance, the movie
Independence Day (1996); or Men in Black (1997). These are just two
of countless examples. I could also have mentioned Enemy of the State (1998)
or Wild Wild West (1999).
The man is smart: by making this power-move within the hierarchy
of cinema, Will Smith has merged his identity with America Itself — or, rather:
Amerigo Himself. Yes, if the sword-wielding Columbia is the USA’s official
goddess, then Will Smith certainly personifies its Lord GOD.
Part 6:
Sparkler Sticks
Now let’s say that you accept my invitation to play with fireworks.
Would you prefer that we begin with a type that is safe or unsafe? You answer: “Safety
first.” OK – wise choice. The safest weapon known to man is called the sparkler
stick. This pyrotechnology is so gentle, even children can wield it. The dictionary
defines a sparkler stick like so:
a wire saber resembling a corndog
marsh plant with a long, slender, velvety, cylindrical head that discharges sparkles
when ignited.
As the name suggests, sparkler sticks sputter and spit sparks.
But these blazes are like hellfire, in that they contain no heat – so they cannot
cause harm. And here’s the proof:
My best friend in childhood was Joe
Murphy. When Joe was about 3 to 6 years old, his parents left home to shop at the
Mall of America. As soon as Joe saw that his mom and dad were gone, he lit up a
sparkler stick and tried to burn down the house – but nothing caught fire, because
this weapon that he chose was harmless. Then Joe tried to melt the glass eye of
his teddy bear, but the sparkler stick only tickled the stuffed bear’s retina (scientists
think that it might have actually slightly improved the bear’s vision). Finally,
Joe returned to his bedroom and stood before the large poster of Samantha Fox on
the wall. He pressed the sparkler stick onto the glossy paper, but it left not even
a singe-mark on the model’s bathing suit. So then he gave up and opted to become
a good kid. (To this day, Joe remains a very nice person.)
The only items that sparkler sticks have ever been able to destroy
are jelly-filled pastries that were intentionally shaped like road-kill (wild animals
that died from being hit by motorized vehicles on the highway). After locating the
place where the tasty filling was injected, if you light up a sparkler stick
and gently insert it, the treat will explode. Therefore, always be sure that your
kids are supervised.
Part 7:
Vacation Time
July Fourth is the time of year to pack your bags and listen
to my advice. Here’s my advice: Vacate your home. Emigrate to Italy. Purchase a
cabin. Unlock its treasure chest. Stash your luggage. Now rent a car and drive away.
Independence Day is all about traveling. Stop your daily grind,
take a deep breath, meditate for a bit, then acquire some freedom and go to the
lake. Wherever you’re at, just recline. Drop everything. Your ancestors beat the
British, now it’s chill time: sort of like an intermission before the Russians and
Chinese arrive for dinner, later this evening. When you all are finished eating
the roast duck, and the wineskins are empty, you can lock arms and watch the fireworks.
Go somewhere nice. Do this now.
Here’s another helpful hint: Some of your friends from high school
probably own deeds to properties that you can take legal possession of. Get yourself
exhausted by chopping wood all afternoon, then you’ll sleep like a baby on your
cot. It’s already almost 5 o’clock, and the clubs open at 10. You’ll need to shower.
Then the glam starts.
On the morrow, walk home. The sun is way down low upon the horizon,
now. It’s eerie. You’ve been traveling all day, and you have another few hours
to go. Before collapsing in a heap on the doorstep of your destination, once you
arrive, take your high school friends out to dinner with your new business partners,
Russia and China, and deliver your big report about how satisfactory you found the
lodgings in the cabin you bought. Ask everyone if they will please agree to change
their ethnicity to match yours; then unlock the treasure chest and hand out prizes.
Part 8:
Local Happenings
Each city-state of the globe will have its own way of celebrating
July Fourth. Here in Hyperborea, we have a fun festival called “Suck the Freeze”.
What happens is that fifty million people show up in the parking lot. Each participant
breaks off an icicle from the snow-scape and begins to mouth it. Then a big bus,
which is like a canopied sled on wheels, stops in the middle of the lot, and everyone
climbs aboard: there are men with tattoos, smelly people, folks who cuss, kids on
drugs, girls with their boyfriends, and low-budget entertainers. The bus begins
to roll forward, and a vendor appears offering hotdogs served with warm water.
Every shirtless and barefoot person is welcome to participate
in this event.
Part Last:
Overdosing
The members of the board now ask me to wrap things up: “Come
to your conclusion,” they say. “What is the ultimate value of July Fourth?” My answer
is this:
Let us drink booze and get wasted. Here is some tequila for all
of the board members. Any holiday is better when you’re plowed — that’s your
corporation’s motto. Although I myself prefer consuming responsibly and partaking
in moderation, I will not punish anyone who decides to binge-drink to death. That’s
between you and your Creditors. All I’m going to do is make sure that your corpse
doesn’t block the aisle of the Freedom Bus. I might have to nudge it out of the
way with the sole of my boot; but I’ll try to be respectful.
[Here ends
“Independence Day.”]
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