Address delivered at the Sports History Church on 23 August 2022

I’m going to skip over talking about holograms, uvulas, and aesthetics. We’ll move right on to baseball. 

Baseball was born in 1861, on a field in Brooklyn. Seventeen years later, there was a pitcher named Bud who threw a ball and made a dent in the Hall of Records, near where we’re standing now. There was a thing called the Minor League; that’s where I found my wife, incidentally — we got married in the Hall of Records, right near the dent that Bud made. 

The Imperial teams are my favorite. I like our second baseman, Frank. He has a propensity for violence; but his mother still loves him, so we all assume that he’ll only hurt others and never us. He hits the ball real far and straight. 

Now we come to the National League. (Is “base ball” one or two words?) This consists of eight teams, all of which turned in their resignation after only thirteen games. Legend has it, the Big Boss Man is to blame for this. 

The player nicknamed Rube is bad. His stats are fifty-one and four. He would always get angry after losing each game. 

But almost everyone on the Cuban team was a literal giant and possessed seven fingers, which is more than the standard amount. They had to make themselves custom gloves, and extra-large catcher’s mitts. 

Finally, in the mid forties, specifically 1923, the Big Boss Man decides that he will let the regular populace watch the games. Until then, huge baseball stadiums were occupied only by the ultra-uppity. The sport folded shortly thereafter.

Baseball is known as America’s hope. The World Series is too good to believe. It’s a great way to climb out of poverty without having to fight in war. You could also join a street gang. Substandard housing is something the USA excels in. So here comes the favorite national pastime, saving the day. The best players are Bert, Roland, Grace, and James. There’s also a pitcher who only has one arm. His name is Pearl. And William was great, too: he paid the other teams to let him get back-to-back no-hitters in 1948. 

But now that sexism has ended, nothing is very fun anymore. It’s sorta fun, but not super fun like it used to be. That’s why I urge the people to rise up, fight the power and bring back the sexist leagues of yesteryear. (Is the motherland really populated only by mothers?)