Pig

Once upon a time, there was a domestic animal called “the hog”. It had no sweat glands. When we brought it before Jehovah God, to see what he would name it and whether he would wed it, he called it a “sow”, because it was female. Then, using our offering as source material, Jehovah fashioned a type of hog more to his liking: this one was male, and he named it “boar”. He also used the name “stag” to denote any male swine that he castrated prior to its development of those secondary physical characteristics that would have made it a boar. And the female virgin hog was named “gilt”. I’m not kidding: look it up. 

Also known as “pigs” or “swine”, these hogs have heavy bodies, four short legs, exactly forty-four teeth, two tusks (if male), and a muscular snout for rooting up stuff. They come in a variety of colors and breeds. Piglets have small tails, though they store fat in enormous quantities. 

All this may seem like an overwhelming amount of information to keep straight in one’s head; but when I complained of the complexity of this subject to my friend who is a scientist, he replied: “Hogwash!” Then he explained that it’s easy to remember the whole trove of facts above, if you simply recall this catchy jingle:

     Luke Skywalker was played by Mark Hamill,

     And every pig is a cloven-hoofed mammal.

Swine hide is bristly, and it stinks because all hogs are filthy beasts. They like to roll around in the mud, and their primary purpose is to transmit disease. My favorite food is Pork Roast and Canned Ham. This is the reason that hog-flesh is so high-priced. Their value derives from the fact that they make excellent bristles for brushes, as well as bacon and footballs.

UPDATE 23 AUG 2022: Jehovah God has very many pigs now — he sold his garden and started a hog farm. His average swine weighs nine hundred kilograms! We often breakfast on pork chops with mustard (my new favorite dish).