Bertrand Russell (Plus NSYNC vs. The Backstreet Boys)

Here is an essay on the philosopher Bertrand Russell which closes with a comparison of two pop groups: NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys.

1. Bertrand Russell

Bertrand Russell knows many things: look at his complex thoughts, wow. He is thinking of strawberries. Now he’s thinking about finding and binding his soul mate. Bertrand Russell likes hula-hoops. Ask him anything: he knows all the inside info. Now he is thinking of a lake: a big, fat, wet, manmade lake. He assumes that his thoughts are unreal and thus cannot be perceived by anyone other than himself. At least, that’s the way he feels on this rainy afternoon. Now Bertrand Russell winces with pain, because he stepped outside for a moment and the sky began precipitating metal pellets. No, this is not the onset of another World War — it’s just the natural cycle of life. Plink, plink: the drops meet the head of our esteemed philosopher. Bertrand Russell collapses. Bertrand Russell is no longer with us. No spirit, no God. Dead atheists are correct about the existence of zero afterlife.

And the chorus goes: “Skip, skip, skip to my Lou / Look at my brand-new, bright red suit.”

2. NSYNC vs. The Backstreet Boys

Here is an argument. It is crucial. It concerns two pop rock bands: The Backstreet Boys and NSYNC. Before we begin, I’ll level with you — I’ll show you my full hand of cards: I hope that NSYNC wins. I want them to totally rip off the Backstreet Boys. (By “rip off” I do not mean that I want them to steal the latter’s musical compositions; rather, I hope that they tear those young lads up like scraps of paper. I hope that all the members of NSYNC walk right over to the Backstreet Boys and make them turn their heads and cough. If I could send NSYNC a fan letter regarding this upcoming battle, I would say “Dear friends, you are better than those fools. They think they are so hip and awesome, but just ask my sister Susan: she knows The Backstreet Boys are an amalgamation of nothingness.”)

OK, so, to start out, I’d say that NSYNC has better members than Backstreet (I should probably refer to the latter band as Wackstreet, assuming that we all hold the same pejorative meaning for that slang term “wack”) — the members of NSYNC are softer and younger and tenderer. The Backstreet Boys can’t even keep the beat; and they sing off-key, plus they’re always posing — see: look at them now. Moreover, they’re married to some girls. Who wants a boy band that’s already married? It takes the fun out of fantasizing. 

NSYNC could rock the Backstreet Boys’ world. NSYNC is much more better. They dress more stylishly; and, to be frank, they sing better ballads. 

I think the secret to NSYNC’s healthy and spry appearance is that, like the world’s most successful supermodels, they only eat salad. That must be how they maintain their trim physiques. It’s easy to imagine that, after a few years, the Backstreet Boys will all have paunches. So, therefore, they are the losers of this PowerPoint presentation. 

Now I’ll chant the chorus one more time before we all meet in the lobby for refreshments: “Skip, skip, skip to my Lou… etc.”