My New Invention

I know that I’ve already invented a lot of things in the course of this lecture series, but, as I always repeat, I am an inventor by trade, and I just love what I do, so don’t ever expect me to stop inventing new things.

The most recent thing that I invented today is totally awesome. It’s made out of metal and hay. I designed it so that it can scramble your eggs for breakfast in the morning, so that you can eat them. And it stirs your coffee so that when you get it, all the grounds don’t sink to the bottom. 

This invention of mine, at first glance, appears to be a robot, but then, after a closer look, you notice that it is big and it is long. My invention is able to tell what you’re thinking, and it knows all of your favorite songs. If you’re ever in a situation where you wish that you could record the audio of your immediate environment — say that you’re trying to incriminate someone for an illegal proposition — then you’re in luck, because my new invention has a minidisc player installed right up front. So it’s even better than trying to hide a wired cassette recorder under your shirt.

My invention glows with purple radiant heat. If you can’t imagine that, just understand that it makes you look resplendent. And the purple is neon. And the thing has a big trunk, and it serves any type of liquid beverage. Also it comes equipped with a CD player. Isn’t that wicked! 

I programmed my invention to know all about facts and science, and it doubles as a helpful vacuum, and it can go on the Internet. Do you see the potential of this convenient feature? This means that you’ll be able to order stuff that hasn’t even been invented yet and have it delivered straight to your secret room that nobody knows about.

This new creation of mine is a very special deal. On its top, of course, is a siren; and, on its bottom, there’s a wood-plank swing. I like to slide open its side panel and play my favorite Atari videogame “Pitfall”. (You can also get it pre-installed with “Riptide”.)