Address to the Dynamite Spleen Club

On the way here tonight, I unjustly acquired goods and chattels from North Africa in exchange for some tickets to the rock band Aerosmith and a self-cleaning stove. That’s the benefit of having a well-made fake I.D. card.

Ah, I see that my audience is concerned with egalitarianism, and you all believe in human rights. Someone here in the front row is holding a sign that says “Stop spending billions on war when our own country’s citizens don’t even have clean drinking water!” Well, you can go ahead and chant “Feed the starving children” until I punch out your lights. For my solution is to knock you unconscious.

Let’s compare the way that I spent my young adulthood with the way that you spent yours: While I was skyrocketing through law school, you were slouching at the park, smoking pot with your friends. 

I drive my Cadillac Coupe DeVille fast, and I always cut corners — this afternoon, I almost collided with a cop, but the officer saluted when he recognized who I was. Then he made a U-turn and proceeded to go arrest some guys who looked like you and your buddies.

And I like women who dance provocatively to music.

Now, if customers ever enter your shop, you always disclose to them that you’re actually a man. But when customers enter the offices of my establishment, I disclose to them that I’m actually deceased. “Read the sign on the wall and sign the waiver,” I say. And while we’re waiting for their payment to go through, I inform them that Michael Bivins was my favorite member of the group Bell Biv DeVoe. (Those gents would have made such an outstanding law firm.)

Incidentally, I myself used to be a talented singer; but, after that helicopter accident, my voice just isn’t as buttery. I can still give rousing speeches tho — hence the success of this circuit of lectures that I’m doing right now. In fact, let’s dive into it:

As you know, I’ve been pinballing from place to place, all over the globe, endorsing Polygamous Patriarchal Life. Of course, with a message like mine, I get a lot of female hecklers who shout: “What you’re saying is wrong!” But I’ve found that the most effective way to deal with this type of interruption is to use it as a teaching moment. So I patiently outline for these dames the simple steps that will help them find a job as a wife. And this always works.

Alright, that’s all. Thanks for listening — you’ve been a tremendous audience. Don’t forget to stop at the merch table, on your way out.