Wittgenstein and Lichtenstein

I gave the following speech at my hometown’s church. (Beforehand, I had specified that its subject was not to be religious; so my listeners were aware of the tenor of the event.) There were about thirty people in attendance, all familiar members of our small town. Despite the fact that this audience knew nothing of modern art or philosophy, the purpose of my address was not to edify or inform them — my only aim was to kill time. 

When delivering the speech, I used my regular voice to say Wittgenstein’s parts, and then I altered my voice noticeably when speaking Lichtenstein’s parts. To approximate this in print, for the transcript below, I will use regular roman characters for the former and italicize the latter.

Wittgenstein vs. Lichtenstein

Hi, I am the German Ludwig Wittgenstein. 

And I am the American Roy Lichtenstein. 

I am good at writing philosophy. 

And I am an expert at creating visionary masterworks. 

I keep ideas in my notebook. 

And I paint ideas as pictures. 

Nobody really understands either of us. 

Because we both made radically provocative innovations in our respective disciplines. 

I tapped my philosopher’s hammer against logic and math, and they both shattered to bits. I keep truth functions in my coin purse. 

I AM the magnified brushstroke yellow. I AM the kablam that zaps all illuminated scriptures. 

Don’t assume, just cuz we’re standing up here doing a rap routine, that we ain’t smart. 

Our antic disposition could be a put-on, designed to deceive you. It usually is: think of Hamlet, Odysseus, and King David. 

How could you go about proving whether or not we are ironic? 

I don’t know — how would you do that, Ludwig? 

No, I was asking sincerely: I’d like to get to the bottom of this. 

Well, then start here: Why do we say that the sky and the water are blue, when they’re both on fire from the loins even upward, and everything else about them is abysmal? 

Our first step would be to construct a mural-sized Language Game using a matrix of giant dots. Each dot shall then represent the concept “and”. 

Ah, very nice: I see that it forms the portrait of a blonde bombshell drowning in desire. 

Please, I thought we agreed to pass over in silence every exuberance worth succumbing to. 

Right, I forgot. 

[Roy & Lud bid the audience good evening.]