On Prostitution

Many people are sadly ignorant of the fact that the right to sell one’s physique for the purpose of lechery was enshrined by the U.S. Constitution. Commerce of any style is permissible. And everyone loves to rent a threesome. Prostitutes are a private enterprise that the government is barred from regulating: Congress has no power to supervise who or what one becomes one flesh with. If a citizen desires to receive monetary compensation for performing any act, then pay them in cash and let’s get to it. We all are free to vend our own anatomy. And you can always abort any embryo that eventually interrupts. If you don’t like it, lump it. We’re pursuing happiness. 

I’ll give a couple more lawyerly details, in a fine-print fashion, since you’re obviously interested: 

As long as no participant is coerced or pressured, evidence is not tampered with, and the room is cleaned up afterwards, adults can be commissioned to make whatever mistakes they have a yen for. (I’d bet real money that they fulfill their dreams while doing so.) And there are doctors who can scan you for symptoms of the sexy virus; so the only stipulation is that you do not over-inflate your worth on your résumé. (Are you attractive? Then just write that you’re attractive. Don’t say, “I’m the best hayride you’ll ever go on”; cuz that’s dishonest. If you have a pollen allergy, disclose it upfront.) Even the Good Book gives the green light: Almighty God himself was an advocate for what his time christened harlotry — I could quote tons of passages to prove this, but I just don’t feel like doing so.