We should make alcohol verboten. It should be prohibited in every nation, all over the earth. Alcohol is dangerous: It makes us act like brutes to one another. It causes violence and disrupts family life. It corrupts the whole society. Alcoholism even pervades the innocent children, who are our future: it leads them astray in their search for truth. We should therefore shut down all the bars and pubs.
In an alcohol-free world, we would finally all be safe inside our motor-cars, for there’d be zero chance of meeting a drunken driver.
Thus, rip down all the beer billboards and absinthe ads. Alcohol transforms fathers into deadbeats; and it is the number one cause of cancer. Yes, humankind’s biggest problem is the consumption of hooch, and prohibition is the solution. Crush all the cans and melt down all the bottles. Pour all inebriating beverages straight in the ocean. No more cirrhosis of the liver.
If anyone is caught with booze, we should persecute them ruthlessly. People have no right to drink intoxicating substances. Instead, we will give you a list of permitted mantras to think about. Teams of nonprofit workers will instill you with superior morals and mediate any conflicts that you have with your fellow citizens.
How will we manage to confiscate all alcohol, you ask? Very easily, I answer — just listen to this idea:
Drunkards shall be invited to trade in their stash of prohibited beverages for something far better: In exchange for all their strong drink, they’ll receive a water-gun resembling a classic German pistol. This government program shall be called “Liquor for Lugers”.
II
And the second thrust of our two-pronged salvation mechanism shall be the legalization of all non-alcoholic drugs.
Phase one of the plan will be to pack giant trucks with previously illicit street-drugs and ship them out everywhere. You now have a right to consume anything you choose, except for alcohol. Cocaine, heroin, speed, crack, morphine, LSD, magic mushrooms, peyote, hashish, or any other drug that you desire, shall be readily available.
The government will not interfere with your life. You and your spouse can enjoy using whatever substance you want, provided that it is non-alcoholic. The federal agents will not storm your residence — on the contrary: they will remain outside and even tip their cap to you, if you make eye contact with them. They might even mouth the phrase “You are doing OK, and your behavior is permissible.”
SIDENOTE
One last word about packing the prisons. There should be an equal number of men and women incarcerated. If a headcount reveals any disparity whatsoever in the sexual parity of the jailed population, it should be remedied with additional convictions and imprisonments. This will require the cooperation of the general public; but I believe in The People. We’re all in this together.
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