The Current Fashion

In this essay, I will explain what the new styles are, so that you can look modern and remain in fashion if you live in the 21st Century.

For shirts, wear them like this: your bra strap should remain visible so that everyone can see it. That’s the fad nowadays: be yourself. 

As for pants, make sure they’re stretchy. It also helps if you know how to dance like a pop star.

Wear hooded sweatshirts. Wear bubble backpacks. Jeans should be blue in color, like the movie Tron (1982). If you want to wear a sweater, make sure that it’s tight: it should really be so tight that it almost hurts. 

I mentioned bras above, but fashion moves so fast that I already need to revise my statement — I take back what I said about straps: Bras are out. Don’t wear a bra. And strive to keep your nipples firm, so that their contours are impossible to not see beneath your shirt. That’s the style, in this day and age.

Shorts should be cut so that they allow your behind to hang out and remain in clear sight. Ideally, the lower quarter of each buttock should protrude. 

If you decide to go shirtless, put gold stars upon your paps.

Tattoos are also an important part of modern apparel: you should install them all over your arms, your back, and your legs. One can never have enough tattoos. And get your navel pierced, as well. Perform the act of copulation atop a table, preferably in a kitchen, with maple syrup poured over its surface. Fornicate frequently.

Green or pink hair is all the rage. Use a permanent marker to write the phrase “Enslaved Human” on your cheek or forehead. And, from the neck down, shave any fur that appears on your body. 

Undergarments are a no-no. Never wear undergarments. Keep your crotch plainly visible, especially when passing water in front of spectators.