A pair of bathing beauties who are equal in every way, except that one is human-sized while the other is a giant goddess, do as follows: (1) go to the mall; (2) dine; (3) enter relationships; (4) see the doctor; (5) apply for jobs; (6) visit the moon; (7) meet the rulers of spacetime; (8) sleep in tauntauns; (9) milk cows; and (10) return to the womb.
1. Two Equally Beautiful Women Go to the Mall
Human-sized Bather:
I am an attractive mom at the Mall
of America. I am smart & blonde, and my face is pretty. The other shoppers
stop and gawk at me as I pass — they are in awe of my stride. People call me pet
names & buy me gifts or offer me money outright. Both men and women privately
fantasize about me. I am a queen of style. My personality is gentle yet feral. My
physique is statuesque. The entire mall is welcoming me like a beloved traveler
who, after a long absence, has finally returned to her home village. For me alone,
all the stores waive the charge of their goods and services.
Giant Goddess Bather:
I am a colossal divine bathing beauty at Burnsville Center, heading
over to shop at the Big & Tall Clothing Store. People are bewildered by my
enormity. While stomping down the corridors, I chirp greetings to everyone. My voice
is smoothly feminine yet very, very loud. I also possess a triple-extra-large Chevy
convertible, which I sometimes drive between shops when I’m tired of walking, the
way that a golfer would use a motorized cart to get from one hole to the next. I
never need to note where I leave this vehicle, when I park it, because I installed
a listening device in its control panel which can activate its auto-pilot function;
so, wherever I am, if I wish to access my convertible, I simply clap my hands three
times, and the driverless Chevy starts up and revs & races to find me, then
waits by my side. Plus, everywhere the car goes, its horn keeps meeping. (I customized
its honk so that it resembles the call of the Road Runner from those old Looney
Tunes animations.) But, usually, I proceed on foot when browsing the mall. Or, if
I’m feeling happy, I skip — though this causes earth-tremors, due to my size; and
sometimes it even breaks the walkway, especially when skipping around the upper
floors.
2. Two Equally Beautiful Women Enjoy Their Meals
Human-sized Bather:
I can eat anything, in any amount,
and I always maintain the same shape. Right now, I’m at home; I just woke up, so
I’m ordering pizza. After paying the delivery boy, I eat the whole pie, all by myself.
Now I get dressed and head out to the fast-food restaurant Wendy’s. I order lots
of meals and eat them. Then I go to the food truck that I see across the street,
and I order nacho fries, a chili dog, and some apple fritters.
Giant Goddess Bather:
They’ve reserved my regular place for me, at my favorite
diner. Reclining on my side, I take up the whole booth. I’m consuming serving after
serving of buttermilk. (I always clean my plate.) For dessert, I order twenty-nine
cold cuts. The manager comes out with my bill, and he remarks “I’ve never seen such
a hungry bather — you ate everything on the menu, like some sort of octopus!” I
quip to him that he better run and hide, or I’ll eat him too; and we share a laugh.
3. Two Equally Beautiful Women Enter Relationships
Human-sized Bather:
Being that I’m an attractive mom, I thought it would be fitting
for me to find myself a submissive boyfriend; so I did exactly that. All the other
moms are jealous and wish that my boyfriend would take them out; but he would
rather keep dating me. And he always buys me gifts. He worships the ground I walk
on. We mate wildly every night. I like to tie him down and mock-bite his flesh.
(I’m extremely beautiful, remember.) Our relationship is going exactly the way
that I intended. Crowds of eligible bachelors approach me daily to profess their
love, but I stick with just this one man whom I chose: for he is easy to control,
and I have no need of further lovers. The only pang I feel, when watching these
rejected suitors mope away crestfallen, is that I will miss receiving all that
attention. However, in about a week from now, I plan on breaking it off with my
current beaux.
Giant Goddess Bather:
I made a good-faith effort to find a lover so that I could form
a relationship, perhaps get married and have dozens of children, but I couldn’t
find any takers. Nobody would accept my advances. I suspect it’s because I’m immortal
and enormous — I’m even bigger than the headquarters of the Scottish Metropolitan
Police. Although my body is beautiful and my mind is enchanting, people are spooked
by the scope of my splendor. So I’ll just eat some chocolate chip cookies and pleasure
myself.
4. Two Equally Beautiful Women See the Doctor
Human-sized Bather:
I made an appointment with Doctor Bryan, because I wanted to
prove that I’m nice, trim, and fit. So, there I was, waiting in his office. When
Doctor Bryan walked in, his jaw dropped: he could not believe his eyes. He was thinking:
Never in my life have I seen such a beautiful patient. I just smiled and
said “Hi.” He asked me to remove my clothes, then he gazed at me intently. “OK,
you’ve got a clean bill of health,” he said. “Doctor Bryan,” said I, “I have one
last request — please use your stethoscope to listen to my heart; for it is racing.”
Doctor Bryan placed the device upon my chest, and I could feel his breath on my
neck. I asked him: “Do you like how that sounds?” And Doctor Bryan said: “Yes.”
Then I took his hands into mine and drew them close and guided them slowly all over
my figure. When we finished, he asked when I was planning my next visit. I gave
a date, and he said that he could not wait that long; so now I have a follow-up
appointment scheduled for this evening.
Giant Goddess Bather:
I’m at the doctor’s office, filling the waiting room with my
enormity, reclining by a fern while paging through a magazine. The nurse comes out
and gives me a polka-dot muumuu to drape over my bathing suit; then she takes out
a clipboard that has a medical form attached, and she begins to ask questions: “What
is the cause of your visit — are you feeling a slight emptiness, because you did
not get enough gravy to eat with your brunch, and therefore you were hoping that
we would supply you with a cauldron of pork and beans?” “That is correct,” I say,
“plus, although I have no symptoms, I fear that I might be infected with a coronavirus,
which will require an operation.” The nurse writes all this down on the form; then
she leads me to the emergency room and invites me to lie down upon the operating
table. “It’s time to do some exploring,” she says, holding up two knives in her
hands. She now cuts & styles my hair; then rummages around in my entrails and
uses an accordion tube to suck out unwanted material. After zipping me back up,
she sends me on my way, looking freshly washed and waxed.
5. Two Equally Beautiful Women Apply for Jobs
Human-sized Bather:
When I go out hunting for a job, all the males in the workplace
are allured by my appearance, while all the female employees glare at me. Upon entering
the establishment, I announce: “The ‘Help Wanted’ sign in your window caught my
eye, so I’m here to inquire.” The men in charge don’t even bother making me fill
out an application, they are so enthralled by my presence. I sit before them on
a tabletop in my summer dress. They inform me that I can dictate whatever salary
I desire, and that there’s no need for me to do any type of labor — all that’s expected
is that I show up daily in person. And I am granted all the perks and benefits.
Giant Goddess Bather:
Here I am, applying for a job. Recall that I am a colossal divinity
from outer space. Nobody wants to hire me: they tell me that I should just live
a life of leisure, floating on a cloud in a state of eternal contemplation, up
in the heavens. So I leave the interview and walk home feeling dejected. I enter
my apartment, sit on the couch, and turn on the TV. My sheep moseys into the room
& baas at me. I say “Jesu, what’s wrong? Did you eat all the grass-flavored
carpeting?” Then my sheep keels over and dies. What a bad day this is. I suspect
that he intentionally sacrificed himself, because he understood from my body language
that the job interview did not go well; and since I lack a source of income, I won’t
be able to afford to buy food at the grocery store. So I prepare the lamb in accordance
with the guidelines of Passover, since this holiday happens to be upon us; then
I eat and drink the body and blood of my savior.
6. Two Equally Beautiful Women Visit the Moon
Human-sized Bather:
I just landed on the Moon, and I’m already in the telephone booth
making a call to my friends on Earth. “Dammit, get me out of here,” I shout into
the receiver. “Pretty gals like me don’t belong in space. All I have is this one
small pocket-mirror that I keep in my purse, so I can’t even do my hair. This is
an injustice — I swear to God, I’m going to sue somebody.”
Giant
Goddess Bather:
I climbed aboard a spaceship and flew to the Moon. Now, even
though I’m still visually a colossal bathing beauty, I got my weight down
to only ninety-seven pounds! (Since the satellite is smaller, not as dense, and
possesses considerably less mass than the Earth that it orbits, our Moon’s gravitational
attraction is proportionately diminished: this results in a lower number appearing
on the scale, when one weighs oneself after a lunar landing.) The first thing I
do is select the Moon’s largest crater, known as “the South Pole–Aitken basin”,
to serve as my dwelling-place. In lieu of a mansion, I make a tabernacle out of
the muumuu that the nurse gave me earlier. Now I celebrate my successful settlement
by spending the next day feasting: I eat a meteor for breakfast; then I eat the
Moon for lunch. I only begin to grow worried after realizing that it will be difficult
to get back to Earth, since I ate my spaceship for supper.
7. Two Equally Beautiful Women Meet the Rulers of Spacetime
Human-sized Bather:
Way above the clouds, on the hill called Mount Olympus, I met
the Masters of the Universe. They told me that I’m the most attractive woman they’ve
ever seen. I said, “I’m from the United States. You can call me Honey.” They asked
me to join them, and we all watched an oracle where this vast archon in a one-piece
was dressing a goat in her apartment — or maybe it was a lamb. Then we all sang
“Silent Night”. Then all the Masters of the Universe worshiped me. Then we all read
Homer’s Iliad together. Then I went home. Throughout the months after that
first vacation that I spent with them, various individual Masters of the Universe
kept knocking at my door and trying to ask me out on dates. Ares and Athena showed
up together and tried to interest me in a threesome. Then Poseidon joined us and
we all went skinny-dipping in his marina. My favorite wooer, however, was Dionysus
— out of all the Rulers of Spacetime, he was the best. He gave me blisses that I’ve
never felt before. We drank a lot of wine together.
Giant
Goddess Bather:
Luckily, I was rescued from being stranded
in the zone where the Moon used to be. I was floating there like the Titanic in
an ocean of blackness, when the Ruler of Spacetime codenamed Zeus came & hovered
nearby. He was mesmerized by the shape of my caboose. To snap him out of his trance,
I clapped my hands, and this sound happened to trigger the auto-nav system in my
3XL Chevy convertible, causing that vehicle to come speeding up to my side. This
aroused Zeus from his reverie, and I invited him to go on a joyride with me. He
got in, and we went to a drive-thru and ordered some watermelon, chicken wings,
pizza, turkey, meatloaf, sardines, and tacos. And they gave us plenty of dipping
sauces.
8. Two Equally Beautiful Women Sleep in Tauntauns
[NOTE. Tauntauns are creatures from the 1980 film The
Empire Strikes Back. They live on an icy, wintry planet. The movie’s human characters
ride the tauntauns just like horses; and these beasts are about the size of horses,
but they look more reptilian. At one point, to save the film’s hero from freezing
to death in the lethally chilly atmosphere, the hero’s friend slices open a recently
deceased tauntaun, and he stuffs the hero inside this creature to keep him warm
overnight. — The events relayed by our heroines below were suffered in homage to
this scene.]
Human-sized
Bather:
I am riding my tauntaun fast. I sure
hope that she does not faint, otherwise I won’t make it back to the Rebel Base before
nightfall, and I will be trapped outdoors, which will cause me to cry tears and
die of frost. O my God, no: I can feel the beast faltering – she’s wavering
& stumbling, because her feet have become iced over. Now she just collapsed
& croaked. I need to save myself; I must exploit the warmth of the dead beast’s
body to preserve my good looks. I’ll use my laser-sword to cut open the creature’s
belly & then climb in and snuggle up between its guts. My hope is that the natural
oils will prove beneficial to my skin, and that they will leave my complexion with
a healthy shine. Whoa, it really smells bad in here; but I’ll hunker down and tough
it out. Yuck: I do not like the feeling of all these bloody internal organs pressing
against me. My hair is entangled with intestines.
Giant Goddess Bather:
Nowhere to sleep tonight; guess I’ll have to get inside a tauntaun.
I’m surprised I can fit, seeing as I’m a colossal divinity: this beast must likewise
be one of the super-sized individuals among its kind. Zounds, what a cold winter
we’re having. My teeth were chattering until I packed myself in this blubber. Maybe,
in the morning, I will breakfast on raw tauntaun: literally eat my way out of this
predicament. My hyper-advanced, futuristic digestive system can handle everything
from skin and bones to gristle and fur. Waste not, want not.
9. Two Equally Beautiful Women Milk the Cow
Human-sized Bather:
Milk the cow? Are you mad? I did
that montage with the tauntaun, because it was all just special effects; but my
red line is milking cows. There’s no way that I’m going to risk soiling my outfit
by fondling that monster. That’s just gross. I’m too thin and pretty for this;
take me back to my suite in Manhattan. I will not sit on that three-legged stool
on this dirt floor and yank those udders. — OK, fine, I’ll do it just this one time,
but only if you’ll allow me to leave immediately after I finish. Alright, here I
go: squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. There; are you happy, you stupid heifer? Look at
me now: I’m a mess. My blouse is bespeckled with droplets, and there’s milk still
gushing out like a firehose, overflowing the steel pail and pooling on the ground.
Now I trip, slip and fall. My face is all muddy. Is this really the hill that I
must die on?
Giant Goddess Bather:
Milk, milk, milk the cow. This is one of my favorite activities.
I find it relaxing, meditative. Just gently, rhythmically caressing downward, downward,
and watching that nice flowing warm white liquid.
10. Two Equally Beautiful
Women Return to the Womb
Human-sized Bather:
Time to go back to the womb, now. All my friends and family are
gathered here, wishing me a safe trip. I’ll get in the tunnel and glide to the Promised
Land. My body’s all lubed up, accentuating my attractiveness. Pretty face, radiant
skin. I can’t believe that I’m actually going to experience the Ultimate Change.
Now I’m relaxing in the uterus; it’s warm and nice. I got my umbilical cord here.
No clothing required. I’m eternally content. See me on the ultrasound monitor:
I am sipping a piña colada.
Giant Goddess Bather:
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