Ceaseless Celery

Put yourself in my shoes: What would you do, if you came into the possession of never-ending bushels of celery? 

Here’s how it happened. I was tending to the crops in my backyard, when the popular singer-songwriter Dolly Parton approached with a smile and said: “Whatcha plantin’ there, Mr. Bryan?” I answered: “Celery.” And then she told me that she knows a great tip that will help grow healthier celery stalks: “Make an irrigation canal and fill it with lemon-lime soda instead of rainwater,” Ms. Parton explained; “you see, the carbonated syrup and sodium citrate will help the celery grow taller, and each rib will taste so delicious that when you bite them, you will roar.” 

I decided to follow this advice, and my yields increased to ninety thousand tons per acre, in just that first year. Then, during every subsequent season, this amount has quadrupled. My supply of celery is thus practically infinite. So let me know if you want some.