Hotshot B-Baller Saves the World

The universe is like a losing basketball game, so I step onto the court and use my talent and skill as a sportsman to help the good team win. (By “good”, I mean those on the side of harmonious coexistence, whereas the “bad” are those who cause discord via selfishness.) 

Wherever there is trouble, I leap over it and perform a slam dunk. I score so many points for the side of righteousness that I become known as one of the greatest power forwards in basketball history. 

Ooh! breaking news: I just now attained the record for successfully sinking every 3-point shot ever attempted. All the pretty women are cheering for me. I’m also a Gnostic minister. 

Lo, I see my friend Michael Jordan walking down the street — he’s a great basketball player himself; let’s ask his opinion of me: 

“Bryan Ray is the best player of all time,” says Mr. “Air” Jordan; and he adds: “I’m not exaggerating. Bryan is a true national treasure and a personal inspiration to me.” (Thanks, Mike!) 

So now I continue to save the world by utterly dominating this basketball championship. I find white-collar criminals and toss them into jail cells, just like throwing the orange ball through a net: and it goes in without even touching the rim, so that it makes the sound “swish!” And if these financial criminals try to flee from justice, I simply gesture to the referee, and she gives them a penalty for “traveling”. 

In other words, all the enemies of humanity get CLIPPED by me, because my team is called THE CLIPPERS. (We chose this name in honor of the sailing ships that we like to watch in San Diego Bay.) 

Now that I fixed all of reality’s problems with my basketball skills, let’s take a look at a few of my career achievements. Highlights include: three Most Valuable Player (MVP) Awards; nine NBA Famous Author appearances; and twelve First Place Strong Man trophies. I was also the best member of the 1992 Olympic Basketball “Dream Team”, which won the gold medal in Barcelona. 

After retiring from the NBA (my only reason for leaving was that, since I conquered the entire field, it bored me to just keep winning and winning and winning), I formed my own special force called “The Bryan Ray All-Stars”: we are a barnstorming team that trots all over the globe playing exhibition games against our eternal rivals, “The Republican-Democrats”, who are intentional butterfingers.