My name is Bryan Ray; I’m from the government, and I’m here to help. The reason for my visit tonight is that I’m presenting your library with this award for being the freshest and cleanest branch in the whole USA.
Just look at this place: it’s so tidy, it’s breathtaking. There’s no dirt anywhere. I feel like I’m walking around at the Mega Mall. Even the restrooms are spotless. I like how all of you staff members are pleasantly scented, and you wear fresh capri pants and clean penny loafers. You have got the finest hands of all the librarians I’ve met. And every one of you has nice ankles.
One warning I need to give: Don’t challenge me on any of these judgments that I’m making. I will snap and go nuts. When I’m in lawyer-mode, I can voice arguments that will leave you petrified. So show some team spirit.
But, yes, your facilities are immaculate. The only advice I can give, if you want to be absolutely perfect, is to raise your ceiling up a bit. Just do it — you’ll immediately begin to notice the benefits.
I also like that your library is shaped like a train, and that your reading room is positioned as the caboose. Does the whole building actually move along the track, in circles, when you yank the power lever? It really does? Whoa, that’s something.
And this place is fueled by coal, too, right? Yeah, I thought so — I could smell it.
Pardon my outburst: I hope I didn’t hurt your ears, just now — this is the first library I’ve loved so intensely that the thought of ever having to leave it made me scream.
In fact, here’s what I want you to do: Just keep the engine running; and, after I step out the exit, I’ll wait there on the track for the place to come back around and run me over. — It’s so fresh and clean, I just want to become one with the décor. Yes, then I can remain in book heaven with Ms. Karenina and her creator, Mr. Tolstoy, for all of eternity. . . . THIS is the fate that I espouse!
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