I’m here to give you this naked angel trophy on behalf of all the readers of the world: You’ve been chosen to win the award for “Sexiest Library”.
Excuse me while I take a moment to retrieve from the breast-pocket of my dinner jacket this folded piece of paper, on which is inscribed the speech that I composed for this occasion. OK, here it is:
Dear Local Library, we thank you for being so sexy. You have brunette hair and fine legs — let us pause for a moment to behold your appearance!
We all admire the way that you look in your dress, dearest Library: you are extremely attractive. Your figure is alluring; you have very nice hips. Your brown eyes gaze out upon the world in a way that we all find mesmerizing. You saved the manta rays from extinction — that’s no small accomplishment. Our desire is ignited when we see you reclining on the beach in your swimsuit.
If you ever start up an orchestra, please allow us to become a part of it. Your face is beautiful. Those greenish-brown eyes of yours sparkle in the starlight. You’re a cutie: we all love your soft arms and smooth shoulders. After a first date, will you go steady with us and become the predestined soul-mate of your most loyal patrons? We want to share our whole life with you, and submit to this bond of love that was forged prior to the creation of the universe. You are the library of our dreams. You have a fantastic hairstyle and pretty round ears.
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