Butter Churn

To survive in this cutthroat marketplace, I developed a new style of clothing. Like any retailer, I sell shirts, pants, hats, shoes, gloves, nylons, and undergarments; but my gimmick is that all my attire is pre-dipped in a butter churn. For I own a large churn that I keep filled with cream and clothing, and I hand-crank its rotating device, which causes the cream to convert to butter while simultaneously coating the clothes and leaving them well lubricated. So all the garments I sell have a nice shine, and they smell delicious.

Now I was out cruising around the city streets in my butter-mobile, and I happened to see the singer-actress Jennifer Lopez standing on the sidewalk: 

“Care to buy some gear that’s been dipped in the butter churn?” I asked. 

“Sure,” said Ms. Lopez; “do you have anything transparent?” 

“No, nothing totally see-thru,” I said, while double-checking my inventory; “but I got some translucent items — would that be good enough?” 

Ms. Lopez expressed keen interest, and she ended up buying a frilly blouse, some cowgirl boots, and a knee-length jean skirt.

After Ms. Lopez changed into the fresh-dipped gear that she had bought from me, she strode off in style, and I drove over to the nearest intersection and parked right in the middle, where the roads all converged, so as to capture everyone’s attention: 

“Get the gear that’s dipped in the butter churn!” I yelled.

People responded to my advertisement by shutting off their vehicles, climbing out and lining up before the window of my butter-mobile. 

I sold almost all of the items in my inventory. When I was down to just a couple pairs of pants and a few bras and socks, I realized that there was a handgun lying amid the buttery merchandise. “How did this get here?” I wondered aloud to myself. “Hmm, it must have fallen out of the pocket of one of the pairs of jeans, when I was churning them.” 

So I held the firearm out of the window of my butter-mobile, and waved it around while shouting to the crowd: “Handgun for sale: only $12.99!” 

Right away, someone in the far back of the crowd expressed a desire to purchase this item, so I motioned for this person to approach my vehicle’s sales window. When the man drew near, I realized that this was the famous defense lawyer Johnnie Cochran! 

“Johnnie, is that really you?” I exclaimed. 

“In the flesh,” said Mr. Cochran. 

We shook hands, and I remarked: “Nice gloves.” 

“Likewise,” he smiled. (We both happened to be wearing very tight gloves.) 

“So, do you really want to buy the weapon?” I asked. 

“Very much so,” said Mr. Cochran, and he held out a $20 dollar bill. 

“I’ll get your change,” I said, turning around to use the cash register, after passing to Mr. Cochran the buttery handgun.

The firearm immediately slid from his grip and fell to the ground and discharged; but, luckily, no one got hit. 

“This thing’s slippery,” laughed Mr. Cochran. 

“Be careful with that,” I said, while offering him his change. Mr. Cochran took the money in his free hand, and, while doing so, the gun fell out of his other hand again, and it discharged on the ground again, but, again, nobody got hurt. 

“Jeez,” Mr. Cochran laughed harder, “it’s like this thing’s got a mind of its own!” 

Long story short, it turned out that the handgun I sold to Mr. Cochran had no paperwork on it, and since this type of transaction is illegal in our state, we both got arrested and ended up going straight to jail. But I used my one phone call to reach Jennifer Lopez, and she came and got us out and gave us a ride home.

All the way, as we were driving, Mr. Cochran kept telling us the various arguments that he would have made in our defense, if we had been given a fair trial. (He is confident that he could have gotten us acquitted.) And I was pleased to notice that Ms. Lopez was still wearing the outfit I sold her.