I asked your contact person if she would send me a list of the tricks that you all are familiar with, so that I don’t end up wasting your time showing you stuff that you already know; but she must not have received my email, because she never got back to me. Or maybe it ended up in her spam folder.
Anyway, I’ll start out by making a farmer’s daughter appear, and she will be standing next to a spotted manatee. See that? Alright, poof, go away.
Now I’ll do another materialization: Here’s Merlin in his cave somewhere in Ancient England. He’s tripping on blotters of LSD; that’s why all visible objects feel inverted, and he’s misgendering everyone. We’ll just make him vanish, using the cancellation wand.
OK, now I’ll do another — we’ll build this next one step-by-step, following our whim:
Here’s a mountain of fodder. Hmm, now let’s add a bunch of scrap metal throughout — we’ll just sprinkle huge pieces here and there, amid the fodder pile, like tossing meatballs onto a heap of spaghetti. And now we’ll fuse together all these metal scraps by chanting a mantra: “Melt together, matter. Melt together, matter.” Say it with me, friends. — Good: look how the pieces are turning red hot and becoming one giant Metal Man, who is currently attempting to eat all the fodder. Alright, enough: I’ll erase that now.
Just one more trick, and then I must go. I have a tub of water waiting for me outside, which I can’t wait to dip into.
Here is your father, back from the dead. And, now stepping onstage, here’s the famous Macbeth from Shakespeare’s tragedy: he’s chasing that floating dagger hologram again. Oh, oops! The dagger accidentally stabbed your resurrected father multiple times. We’ll just sweep that up. Here’s a rug. Now I’ll just wave my wand and cause Blitzen and Donner to appear. There they are — the actual reindeer from that song about the North Pole. And I’ll just connect them to this heart monitor here, by clamping their leashes to these two terminals. There we go: see how healthy their circulation is? All those blips that you see on the animated line-graph display, and that repetitive bonking noise — those are good signs. From this, I predict that we shall all get a whole lot of gifts this Christmas. Now let’s give the reindeer something to watch on television. How about the 1975 sitcom Welcome Back, Kotter. There we go. Nice, they’re getting sleepy. Let us now place a recliner near this campfire, and allow the pro wrestler “Rowdy” Roddy Piper to sit there sipping on hot toddy. What is missing?—anybody have a guess? You’re right, whoever shouted the answer: “It is not good for our man to be alone.” Therefore, let us fashion for him a companion, made after our own image and likeness. First, I’ll put a table here, and we’ll arrange some marijuana and rolling papers upon its surface, and I’ll also add a few of those blotters from Merlin’s cave. All these things are for Roddy, so that he can feel that his life has a purpose while he waits. OK, now I’ll build a wooden chair, and place it in the fire. And we’ll have the former Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, the late Sandra Day O’Connor, tied down in this chair. We’ll see how long it takes Mr. Piper to rescue her. (Don’t worry — she can’t feel the pain of burning: remember, she’s dead.)
Alright, now I gotta run. I’ll leave this last scene here, so that you can all try to figure out how to make it vamoose. — Here’s a hint: prayers and fasting won’t work. Not on this type of evil. You’ve got to rebuke it hard, in a precise way. It takes a lot of practice. — Well, have fun. Good night, and good luck!
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