Beauty Bar

Look at this Big Bad Beauty Bar. I just love it. It’s the only product I know of that removes permanent scarring. And it also erases all of my stretch marks and age spots. All you have to do is gently rub the Beauty Bar on your flesh, wherever the change is desired. Do you have purple rings? It will eliminate them. The Beauty Bar is good for dry skin, rashes, and prune-like wrinkles. It will even heal your cheek that is punctured by a harpoon. You can tell that it’s working when the sudsy bubbles begin to fizz. The only known side-effects are large losses of blood, plus pregnant women may be at risk of giving birth to amphibians; but, other than that, Beauty Bar works without a hitch. Now let me play you the 15-second TV commercial:

Beauty Bar! Big and bad! Listen up, children: run and jump into your parents’ pickup truck — go drive to the nearest store and buy boxes of Beauty Bars for your whole extended family. Everyone you know will now look exactly like Claudia Schiffer. Rip the box, take one out, choke it down. You’ll be the prettiest girl on the street. Purchase Beauty Bars by maneuvering a forklift into the cosmetics section of the mall: go behind the sales counter and locate the entrance to the inventory room; once inside, look around until you find a wooden pallet with boxes of Beauty Bars stacked to the ceiling — now use a pallet jack to load this onto the bed of your parents’ pickup truck, then simply transport the bars back to your home. One or two will do the trick, but it’s always better to have much more than enough. You won’t believe how fast they work: you will be the most gorgeous gal on the chorus line. “You look like a superstar,” people will say. “What’s your secret: Beauty cocktails or beauty lozenges?” “No,” you will answer; “those things won’t get you back up the mountain, once you’re over the hill. The only thing that can pull you all the way to where you want to be is this product called Big Bad Beauty Bar.” Everybody now stares at you and says “Who is this wise woman? She has pretty hair, & she appears to be wealthy.” When you stride into your place of employment, your co-workers will fail to recognize your face. “Oh my goodness, look at her figure!” they will say. Everyone will want to taste you. So, do as I instructed in the beginning: run! jump into your parents’ pickup truck, and buy attractiveness by the pallet. You will become the actual model named Claudia Schiffer.