When I was a youth growing up in the Unforgiving Country, I always pondered why that fat old man with the white beard who’s always flying overhead in his sleigh was depicted in all our religious tracts as having reptilian skin and working on the hill installing crucifixes. So here I am in the flesh to offer a solution to this dilemma.
An Anti-Santa is what we need, since not all of us believe in capital punishment; and 99% of actual human beings harbor doubts about the cleansing properties of blood. For the established myth says that if you thrust your sword through the side of an innocent savior and let his corpse drip-dry upon your laundry, it will wash your clothes white as snow and forgive your dog’s misdeeds.
Let us therefore depict our Anti-Santa with wavy hair instead of lizard scales, so that he appears more humane, less powerfully elite; and, instead of forcing him to deliver propaganda to all the little children, let us teach him how to toss bottles of hooch into legwear. So if a woman walks by and removes one of her fishnet stockings and holds it up, it will get filled with the spirit.
Anti-Santa now rides high on Ezekiel’s chariot, wearing Jeremiah’s fedora; and he writes out personal cheques, from Isaiah’s account, to anyone who asks, whether they deserve it or not.
No comments:
Post a Comment