Killer Kittens

Roaring and meowing with sharp claws and paws that pulverize, Killer Kittens are inside of your house. They are shredding your furniture and knocking it over. You cry out in fear. These cats have a murderous instinct: for some reason, they just want to make everything dead. So they’ll pounce you up and scratch your skin, and prance all over you until you pass away. “Hey, kittens are supposed to be cute; they’re supposed to cuddle with you and lick their own fur,” says one commenter on the Internet. — Well, dear and personal friend, you’re right; but that’s what makes the Killer Kittens such a serious threat: Instead of playing with a ball of twine, they’ll wait till you’re deceased and then eat your eyeballs, plus they’ll pee on your coat. They’re very rowdy; and they’re shedding everywhere. It’s true that they purr, but the noise is so low and fierce that it sounds like a growl. They bite children and buildings, with teeth sharper than a saw. Once they enter your city, the whole place becomes an emergency zone. Special agents from the government show up on the scene wearing metal mittens and attempt to sweet-talk the cats, saying: “Get back in the van, Sassy. You, too, Shim-sham. Follow your sisters, Sour Mash. I can’t believe that you all escaped from your playpen.” Then the government agents address the surrounding populace: “Run, hide. Stay indoors. Killer Kittens are everywhere: on the streets, at the park, in the river, and climbing up and down the business district. Some of them can jump so far that it looks like they are flying. But don’t be deceived; they’re nothing like Superman — they’ll stab their claw deep into your liver. Although they’re fuzzy and adorable, they move quite fast, so they’re really hard to shoot.”