Compliant Cows

Since all the words in the title of my previous essay on Killer Kittens started with the letter K, I must be fair and write one that starts with Cs now. So here’s the truth about Compliant Cows:

Compliant Cows are desirable members of the community. They offer milk by the barrel and help you clean up your house. They’re so accommodating, they’ll do whatever you wish. If a stranger happens to step on your property, the cattle will see to it that this trespasser pays in court. These are good cows, extremely submissive and non-aggressive; yet, if you allow them to prove it, they will evince a sky-high ambition: They can learn to wash and dry silverware; they will listen to your mistress; and they’re surprisingly smart in combat. There’s no need to tie a bell around their neck, or to whack their side with a whip of braided buckskin. They’ll let you ride without a saddle — try it: it’s fun. These bovines are docile. If you shout out “Halt!” they will stop moseying, right in the middle of the meadow. And if you’re in the mood for a milkshake, simply pull one of the cows into a room, hold her down, and squeeze her bosoms. You’ll get the perfect summer refreshment. Finally, when it’s time to have a cookout, and you need some burgers and beefsteak, just instruct the compliant cows to enter the slaughterhouse. Let them know that you will meet them there in a jiffy. Then, once they’ve finished congregating, go tell them all: “Please roll over and die.” At this point, you’ll notice that your mistress is looking on with tears streaming down her face: Permit yourself to laugh at her weakness; then explain that she should never have christened each beast with a proper name — that was a mistake: it drew her attention to their respective personalities, and this fortified a sentimental bond, which is always troublesome.

[The essay ends with a compliant cow singing a song:]

Who is my maker?
     and where is my solace?

What shall protect me
     from evil and fury?

I am the mother cow,
     the giver of life;

Who provideth my ox-mate,
     relieveth my worry?

[God answers the prayer of the cow, through the cow’s own tongue:]

I am the righteous mind,
     giver of care;

Thru devotion and right works,
     I engendered you.

I give Zarathustra,
     servant of the Triad:

He will sprinkle the pasture
     to provide you with food.

[The cow responds:]

Oh I supplicate, Ormazd,
     thou wisest and righteous,

How shall I find peace
     from evil, terror, and fury?

This protector is human,
     with a limited power;

How can he be sufficient
     for subverting my worry?

[God concludes:]

You must show more compliance,
     for my spirit is with him;

Evil shall the reward be,
     to your enemies:

Your tormentors shall not cross
     the bridge of separation;

Your keepers inherit
     infinite dignity.