What is this bizarre beverage in such an uncanny can? I opened it up and discovered a severed ear. The taste is like unto that of lemon salt, and strange things keep crawling from the container. Lo, the label says “Queer Beer”: I guess that is accurate, for its fizz bangs louder than a gun-shooting range; and, if you pour it out, it is purple in hue with pink polka dots and swirls of neon lime. It’s apparently OK to drink, but the warning on the side says that if Queer Beer comes into contact with any part of your exterior, it will burst into flames and make you die of sin. This beer solidifies when warm and breaks into chunks; and yet, when refrigerated, it emits a seductive stench. This very Queer Beer has a wacky new flavor that is reminiscent of rubber cement combined with cornflakes and cookie dough. Only drink it during the morning meal, or you’ll lose all your fake flannel hats.
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