Subway

What smells like a well-maintained public restroom for rodents? Welcome to New York; let’s take the subway. Find the line that you wish to ride; then walk to the terminal, have a seat and wait. Once the train arrives, stand clear of the closing doors. If there’s a crowd, you’ll need to push hard to get inside. Avoid looking at anyone: for the moment you make eye contact with a fellow passenger, it will be assumed that you are intending to assault this person; they will therefore pull out their handgun and prevent your crime.

The subway is even faster than a falling star. If you disbelieve this fact, then I propose that we set up a test to prove it scientifically. First, take your vehicle of choice: for instance, a horse-and-carriage that you received as a Christmas gift. Hitch this contraption to a star, then place it next to a subway train at the starting gate. Wind them up, and shout: “Gyah!” — Now watch them race. (Ooh, it’s a tie!)

Dear subway, you are my preferred choice of travel. One time, your automatic sliding French doors closed upon my bloody dress, and I screamed and panicked until you came to a halt. Then your doors re-opened, and I got off.