Do you know why wars begin, and why children are born defective, and why life in general is sorrowful? It’s because natural food is bad for you. That’s why I advocate food substitutes. If you prepare and serve alternatives to food, you will find that they taste the same, yet they don’t cause the suffering and death that real food causes. Just look at most health studies. Even desserts like cookies and brownies are safer and better when you swap out the real ingredients. I hope that you heed my warning. I need your help, for I am attempting to form an Anti-Natural-Food Task Force, which will use taxpayer money to fight evil and make people happier. Until that day, we must advocate for the implementation of food substitutes such as unnatural grease.
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