His name is [redacted], and he reminds me of a male body part. I’d like to ship him to a far-off planet, preferably one that’s annoying to live on—then he’d fit right in. Now let me tell you a few things about this person. He is always wearing loud, ugly neckties. And he has an irritating way of talking. He has less personality than Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair. Plus his hairstyle is unappealing: he combs it stupid, and it makes people wince. I’m glad that his co-host, who’s also his wife, divorced him. It’s hard to believe that I bothered to sleep with her; I always found her repulsive, but I was drunk that night. Anyway, I just called the Columbia Broadcasting System and got them both fired.
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