Knife vs. Fruit

Here I am: a knife, ready to cut.

And I am a fruit, ready to squirt you to death.

Come here, stupid fruit; you ain’t squirtin’ nobody.

Watch it, you knife — I will certainly slay you.

No you won’t, jerk. Knives are much more lethal.

Yeah, but fruits can launch diseases into all things.

Knives are metal, though; therefore, they slice and stab.

Fruits are poisonous enough to ravage any system.

I will slash your stem, like so.

Oh no, I’ve been slashed! — Now take THIS, you filthy prostitute.

Ow, don’t bend my blade. I will squash your berries into wine.

Well then I’ll just wrap my peel around your face, to cut off your breathing, and you will never regain your health.

I’ll slide right into you with my silvery cutting edge.

I will give you a tummy-ache because I’m unripe.

Now I pierced your skin with my metal tip.

Actually, I think I avoided your assault, and your blade slid away because my skin is slippery.

No: after chopping you into planks, I kept slicing until you became juliennes and chiffonades.

Well then I’m exceedingly troublesome to you now, because I’ve multiplied into many more foes than I was before.

Uh oh! You’re right — now there’s a whole army of fruit pieces on the horizon marching towards me. And they’re all kinda cute.

Dear Mister Knife, we members of the Fruit Legion have trekked all the way across the continent to ask for your hand in marriage. What is your answer?

I will be your bridegroom. Let’s take the plunge.

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“A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.”

—Zipporah, wife of Moses [Exodus 4:26]