Surfin’

I surfboard over everything, all the time, and do ollies everywhere. (An ollie is a jump performed without the aid of a takeoff ramp, executed by pushing one’s back foot down on the tail of the board.) I never wipe out, therefore I have no need for safety gear. You think that railings on staircases might hinder me? No: I just glide down them and kiss your wife along the way. Every Friday, I oil my fins; then I surf down to the Post Office and mail in my entry to the National Surfboarding Contest; and, like clockwork, at the start of next week, I am proclaimed World Champion Surfer.