Wearing a Hat Will Cause Your Male Member to Shrink

Here, now I’ll tell you some hard science: People who wear hats are not too bright. Wearing a hat makes you lose your hair, and it also causes your manly part to shrivel up. 

Using research money from the University of Minnesota, I performed a double-blind study, in which I made one group of participants wear hats, while the other group went bare-headed. Then I measured each individual’s size, and the result was shocking: 

Prior to a full month of wearing a hat, the dimensions of each subject’s masculine organ corresponded to the national average; but, by the end of September, every subject who had worn a hat discovered something disturbing; this latter group’s male members had almost vanished: they were barely visible to the naked eye. 

Therefore I conclude that hats are bad. If you choose to wear one, you will end up disappointed.