The True Story of Christ

A biographical account told in ten-year increments.

Part 1: Christ is Born

Christ is born on April 12th inside a cow shed while rain is pouring. His mother Mary nearly dies. There is no doctor available to help. Joseph, the father, assists with the delivery. Christ comes out head-first. The couple and their newborn live on the street. They cannot afford food. Neither of the parents can read. 

Christ at 10

Here is a snapshot of Christ at ten years old: He has countless friends, tons of cash, drives a luxury sedan, lives in a mansion with a big pool, and his clothes are in style. You might be wondering what happened between Christ’s advent and now, since he was born into extreme poverty. Listen to this: Christ’s aunt was a billionaire who died and left a will that bequeathed the bulk of her estate to Christ and his parents. So now Joseph, Mary, and Christ live a carefree existence relaxing in front of the television. Christ does not attend school; he learns nothing but how to maximize his inheritance.

Christ at 20

By the age of twenty, Christ has already married twice. The reason his relationships ended was that he committed adultery with multiple women many times. Now Christ is reclining in a lawn chair at his mansion while all his friends are away at school. He spends his time telephoning magdalenes. He possesses an abundance of cash, and he always drinks wine. His parents Mary and Joseph still live with him; they watch TV all day.

Here’s some breaking news: Christ just got engaged to wed a magdalene named Mary — the same name as his mother. Also, just like his mother, she happens to be missing her two front teeth.

Christ at 30

Can you believe that Christ is thirty years old already? He and his magdalene are happily married, and he remains faithful to her. The two live with Christ’s parents in the same giant mansion. 

One day, however, Mary the magdalene swings a wooden plank at Christ; but Christ ducks down and the blow strikes and kills his mother. Christ and Joseph quickly apprehend the magdalene; they hold her down and ask why she did this. Mary says: “It was a mistake — I’m sorry.” Then they all go out for cocktails. Christ gets drunk and wakes up in Keokuk, which is Iowa’s southernmost city. 

Christ at 40

Still filthy rich, Christ is coasting through life without any problems. He and his magdalene remain happily married and now have two children: Judas and John, identical twins, each seven years old. Christ’s father Joseph continues to live with the family; he is now very frail and rarely speaks. 

One day, during the time when Christ usually takes his afternoon nap, Mary the magdalene plants a bomb inside their bedroom. However, on this occasion, Christ happens to skip his nap to watch television, and his father Joseph lies down on the bed instead. The bomb then explodes, obliterating Joseph. When Christ finds out about this, he throws a fit and yells at his wife Mary, saying: “Look what you did!” Now the magdalene starts to weep, and Christ apologizes for losing his temper.

Christ at 50

Christ and his magdalene are still happily married. Christ has forgiven Mary for killing both of his parents. Their own children, the twins Judas and John, are now teenagers who remain wealthy and unschooled. They spend each day drinking wine with their father; and Mary accompanies them, yet she abstains from indulging: she just sits and smiles.

Christ at 60

Christ has three more decades to live before his grave must be dug. Now watch what happens: Mary is smiling while Christ drinks wine with their twin boys Judas and John. Then a fight breaks out: Christ punches Mary with his fist. The children stand and voice their disapproval of this action. Christ replies by elbowing his son Judas in the throat. Judas, enraged, pulls his gun out of its holster and aims at his father. Christ yells: “Go ahead, shoot me, son.” But Judas cannot find the will to pull the trigger. Mary steps over, takes the gun out of Judas’ hand, and shoots and kills John. 

Christ at 70

Christ and his magdalene remain happily in wedlock. They live with their remaining son Judas and his new wife Lilith. Judas is still sad that his mother Mary killed his twin brother John. Now Mary slays Judas with a tire iron.

Christ at 80

Christ is now old and gray but still happily married, despite the fact that his wife slew both of their twin children. Christ never really did like the kids anyway. But the couple’s daughter-in-law Lilith still lives with them in their mansion. Lilith and Christ now engage in a love affair. Mary catches them in flagrante delicto and bursts into a jealous rage: She swings a flail with a spiked metal ball at Lilith; but Lilith catches the chain, yanks it away, and whips Mary in the face. Mary shouts and gives up the ghost.

Christ at 90

Christ’s bullet-riddled corpse is found on the floor of his mansion. He left a will that says: “I bequeath all my riches to my daughter-in-law Lilith, who killed my wife Mary. I am in love with Lilith because she is a full-figured woman.”

[Here ends The True Story of Christ.]