Things That Are Bad

Here is a list of all the things that are bad:

• Traveling while holding a map upside-down
• A keg of beer that has no tap to pour from
• Slipping on a patch of ice
• Finding out about your spouse’s former career 
• Snow, rain, death, pain
• France, Spain
• Cold chicken chow mein
• Fatherhood
• Movies 
• Fraud
• A vicious animal ripping you to shreds with its mouth
• Icky bugs and other critters 
• Cleaning up after a platypus 
• Liberty Bells — or, no, rather: Slavery Bells 
• Pineapples packaged in motor oil 
• Back pain
• The Rotary Club
• Sinister mean devilish monster goblins
• Processed cheese canisters 
• Broken swing

All these items should be burned with fire and destroyed; then, gather them all up and tie them together.