How Abram’s grandson became famous

Dear diary,

Let me survey the dimensions of my prison once again. I don’t know how everything outside of space and time got there, but the gods built the prison, and that’s where I was put, and that’s where I remain.

A garden was planted, and I was brought there to perform labor. But that did not go well, so they cast me out. There followed ages of childbearing: generation after generation entered the world and developed into nations.

The existence of these nations displeased the gods, so the gods flooded the earth, intending thereby to exterminate all life. But we men were clever: we built a boat and saved ourselves and all the other living creatures.

When the flood was over, we started the whole problem again. The gods must have said amongst themselves: “I can’t believe this! It’s like a cockroach infestation.”

So then followed more and more ages of yet more breeding. The nations revived, and all people were organized and harmonious. The gods then came down and scattered everyone everywhere, and they stirred up confusion among the nations and brought chaos and disorder to mankind. The gods are like the secret police of this galaxy, or a cartel of nongovernment organizations.

Now, for some reason, one of the gods chose to make a pact with one of the humans. Yahweh the god approached Abram the man and said: I’ll favor you. Yahweh promised to overinflate the amount of inbreds that would issue from Abram’s loins.

So this man Abram then began to wander about the earth, going from one place to another, until he acquired vast riches. But he still was childless; which struck him as odd, since his contract with Yahweh stated that Yahweh was to cause Abram’s seed to glut the earth. Abram paid Yahweh a visit to ask about this. Yahweh said: “Your wife is barren. Be resourceful: Lie down with your housemaid.”

So Abram bedded his housemaid, and she bore a child. But Sarai, the wife of Abram, seeing that her husband had gotten a child with their housemaid, was indignant and went to seek retribution from Yahweh. This is how Sarai, who was infertile, produced the first virgin birth. For Yahweh granted her a child, out of pity for her condition. And he called his name Jesus.

Now, since Abram’s agreement with Yahweh stated that the earth should be overpopulated by the offspring of Abram, not the offspring of Sarai his unimportant wife, it became a moral imperative for Abram to rid the universe of this wrong seed. So Abram summoned the son of Sarai to himself, and he instructed this Jesus to get ready for a journey. And Abram took the lad on a trip to the top of a hill, where Abram offered up Jesus, the firstborn son of his wife, as a burnt sacrifice to Yahweh the god.

Then, when Abram was old, he commanded his own true son to seek out one of his cousins and to breed with her. So he did this. And the result was that a patriarch was born: and they called his name Israel. Then Abram blessed this boy, and he told him “Go east.” And Abram died.

So Israel went on a journey, and came into the land of the people of the east. That is where he met his first two wives, Rachel and Leah. Israel had four wives, total. Or two wives and two concubines; unless we want to call them all concubines. Concubine number three was named Bilhah, the slave of Rachel; and the fourth was Zilpah, the slave of Leah.

All these details indicate a simple development: Yahweh the god is beginning to fulfill his part of the contract that he signed with Abram, Israel’s grandfather. And what must Abram do to fulfill his own side of that contract? That is not clear. Moreover, Abram is dead. For this reason, do the terms of the contract transfer to Abram’s grandson Israel? Again, the answer is unclear. We will just have to monitor the god Yahweh’s behavior, and reason backward from that: if Yahweh throws a fit, then we might conclude that the human descendants of Abram broke their side of the deal; and if Yahweh remains calm and does not molest anyone, we can only assume that everything is OK. We’re now at the first two verses of Genesis chapter 32.

And Israel went on his way, and the angels of God met him. And when Israel saw them, he said, “This is God’s army.”

Now, what this capital-‘G’ singular God has to do with the lowercase-‘g’ plural gods who created our world is beyond me. I don’t know why He has amassed an army: it would seem that He expects a battle. Are the gods at war? If so, why? And with whom? I thought that all gods enjoyed an eternity of peaceful contemplation.

Anyway, it is a good thing that Israel is favored by Yahweh the god. For, if ever there is trouble, Israel will have at least one deity fighting for his tribe. (Actually, now that I have written that, I must admit that it’s not clear whether Yahweh would be willing to fight for Israel. However, in any case, let’s continue.)

Now a mysterious god, who has the image and likeness of Yahweh, ambushes Israel in the night. This god enters the chamber where Israel is sleeping. Israel rises to the occasion: he leaps up out of bed and lunges at the god; but the god shrinks back. Israel chases the god around the chamber, shouting blasphemies and trying to engage the god in fight.

This farce continues until daybreak. The sunshine starts to pour into the chamber, through its sole window; out of which, each time they pass, Israel attempts to shove his assailant, to force him into the morning light, but the god resists.

Something seemed to blow him back from the window 

Every time he swerved at it; 

Back on a strange parabola, then round, round, dizzy in my room.

He could not go out, 

I also realised. . . . 

It was the light of day which he could not enter. 

Any more than I could enter the white-hot door of a blast-furnace.

He could not plunge into the daylight that streamed at the window. 

It was asking too much of his nature.

[—from “Man and Bat” by D.H. Lawrence]

Finally, Israel picks up a flannel blanket and manages to cover the intruder. Thus muffled, the god hardly stirs in the hands of his adversary. Carefully now, lest he should bite, Israel tosses him out of the window; and away the god goes, making a beeline toward the river.

And he erected there an altar, and called it “The god of gods is Israel.”