(Cont.)
In the previous episode, the armies of workers in the woods were served breakfast in bed by the Volcano, who caused the sky to rain down a mysterious type of provender on them while they slept. And the working class named the edible substance “ish” (derived from a minced oath for “What IS this shit?” which is what they exclaimed when they first discovered it); and it was like a white coriander seed that had the taste of wafers made with honey.
Then Moses instructed the workers to seal up a gallon of the ish, and to place it in a time capsule, to save it for the future. This way, the generations to come shall be able to see with their own eyes what type of daily fare their ancestors ate. The people who live in the 21st century, for instance, will not need to guess and speculate about how this ish might have looked, as they will be able to view the substance for themselves: because the time capsule that was set up by Moses will surely still exist at that date, as it was divinely foreordained.
For Moses said to Bryan, “Take a pot, and put a gallon full of the sky-bread therein, and lay it up before the Volcano, to be kept for all future generations.” And, as the wild man instructed Moses, so Bryan secured the ish, along with the contract signed by the Volcano, to be preserved against time, in a capsule.
Thus, for a total of forty years, the working class ate nothing but ish for breakfast. Every day, this served as their morning meal, until they reached an inhabited land where they could finally settle down. Yes, they consumed ish, until their wanderings led them to the border of Eldorado in the country of India.
Now an imperial gallon equals one thirty-fifth of a standard barrel of crude oil.
§
And the armies of the workers journeyed away from the woods of Sin, at the instruction of the Volcano, and pitched their tabernacles in Rosemount, where there was, again, no water for them to drink. As they were ready to die from thirst, they complained bitterly against Moses, saying “What was the point of any of this, if our fate is to suffer terminal dehydration here in Dullsville!” And Moses snapped back: “How dare you chide the Volcano! Would you tempt omnipotence?” And the multitudes said: “We asked a serious question: Why did you lead us out of the city, if we and our children and all our livestock are just to end up dying of thirst?”
So Moses approached the fiery portal and yelled to the wild man: “Where are you? Wake up! Tell me what I’m supposed to do now – for, look: the masses are preparing to lynch me!”
And the wild man blinked his goat eyes and said to Moses: “Go out before the multitudes, and take with you all the senior citizens of their families and anyone who is considered a guru or guardian. Also, remember the wand that I gave you – the one that we used to make the Nile River turn to blood? Bring that wand along with you, and tell Bryan to keep it handy. Now, look: I will stand on that precipice yonder; then, as Bryan taps its base with his wand, at the same moment, I’ll kick away the rock up top, which will prove to have been blocking a freshwater wellspring; thus shall a cascade come gushing down for the people to enjoy.”
And Moses said: “But will our wand cause the waterfall to be bloody?”
And the wild man answered: “No, its waters shall be clean and drinkable.”
So Moses carried out this plan: the senior citizens of the working class and their gurus and guardians stood around Bryan, chanting as he waved his wand. And all the people drank their fill.
And that’s why they named the place “Fallout Rock,” or some call it “Lynch Peak,” since it was here that Moses suffered a major fallout and the mobs almost lynched him.
§
Then, just after they had solved their water shortage, some cartels of landlords and creditors drove up from Delaware and presented legal documents, which they claimed were proof of their ownership of all the vicinity’s natural resources. Their argument was that the workers must pay them rent to drink the water and use the land; and the penalty for noncompliance was a hefty fine and imprisonment.
So Moses gave a command to Yeshua the Zealot: “Select the stoutest workers to accompany you, and go negotiate a settlement: work out a deal with these rentiers. Meanwhile, I will stand a safe distance off, where you can still see me but our competition cannot; and I shall hold up a banner-sized tickertape that has written upon it all the latest stock quotes, and they shall be lit up with black fire on white fire; and Bryan shall circle his wand overhead, and the Volcano will animate the display so that its information appears to be scrolling from one end to the other. And by this means you shall monitor any financial developments that will give you the advantage.”
So Yeshua the Zealot did as Moses had instructed him, and he met with the landlords and creditors from Delaware. And Moses, Bryan, and their friend David Graeber (author of Debt: The First 5000 Years) gathered in a strategic locale nearby and made ready the banner.
And it happened that, when Moses kept his posture firm and held his hands aloft, so that the stock ticker was plainly visible to Yeshua the Zealot, Yeshua paid close attention to the info, and the creditors prevailed against him; whereas, when Moses let himself slouch, the banner drooped and became hard to see, therefore Yeshua the Zealot ignored it and turned his attention to the actual people, and thus the working masses prevailed.
Noticing this, Bryan and David fetched an upholstered armchair that tilted backward and had a built-in footrest, so that Moses could recline therewithin and snooze a bit, thus letting the stock quotes scroll in obscurity. So a pleasant sleep to overcame Moses, and he snored in the chair until the sun went down.
Meanwhile, Yeshua the Zealot, now investing his undivided attention upon the working class, stepped forward boldly toward the moneylenders and financiers. And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all up and down the boardroom; and he poured out the lenders’ money, and overthrew their benches; and shouted unto the merchants who were displaying ads round about, “Take these things hence!” Then he broke the tablets on which they inscribed their accounting, and he trampled them underfoot. And he discomfited the creditors and their affiliates with his two-edged sword.
And once a deal was arrived at that was favorable to the workers, the wild man said unto Moses: Tell Bryan to write down what just happened, for a memorial in his book, and then read it aloud to Yeshua the Zealot and his company – they will find it amusing. For I am utterly against all moneylenders and rent-seekers.
Then Moses hewed an altar and gave it the title “Yahweh’s Tickertape,” and he added this moral: “When the gods of finance sleep, the people win.”
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