Feat 2: Ehud Elohim
Now there came creeping up from the foulest part of the swamp in the city dump, a big fat Pope; who began to chase after children, with the aim of abusing them. And this was abhorrent in the sight of the Volcano.
And this Pope moved to Florida, an heavenly place, and he was causing much trouble there. So the tourists listened to the Volcano, who told them to take a break from their mixing and mingling, just for a minute, so as to perform a hit job on this brute.
Therefore the pilgrims turned their caravan towards the city of palm trees. And they entered the land, and remained there eighteen years. For they kept trying to hunt down the abusive Pope, in order to ice him, but they never could reach him, because his network of clergymen kept protecting him: they would whisk him away before justice could ever catch up to him.
So the wayfarers sent a postcard to the Volcano, which said: “Please help us to save the children, we are all crying!” And the goat-eyed wild man raised them up a deliverer: Ehud Elohim, a lefthanded swordsman, whom the Volcano armed with his own glittering weapon. “Take this,” said the wild man to Ehud, before he sent him down to Florida, “strike hard, the way that I dealt with the King of the Empire.” And Ehud gripped the sword with his left hand.
So the pilgrims of the caravansary giftwrapped a canister of communion wafers that they had emptied and secretly refilled with springing serpents; and they sent this as a present to the Pope, employing Ehud as their deliveryman. And because Ehud was a lefthanded swordsman, he was able to hold the gift in his right hand, while his left was kept hidden behind his back gripping the sword of the LORD.
So Ehud Elohim rang the doorbell at the Vatican, and a voice from the loudspeaker on the security camera commanded him to state his business. Ehud then held up to the lens his giftwrapped canister and said, “I have this offering to give to the Holy Father; may I come in?”
The gate opened automatically, and Ehud was then directed via the intercom into the room where the Pope was sitting. And the Pope was a very fat man.
Now, when the Pope saw that the present was in Ehud’s right hand, he assumed that it was safe to allow him to approach, as this man obviously posed no threat – although Ehud’s left hand was kept behind his back and thus could not be seen, there was little danger of it containing a weapon, since most people are righthanded. Those were the thoughts of the big fat Pope.
“What have you there?” he asked the elohim.
“A secret,” said Ehud.
Then, beckoning his visitor throne-ward, the Pope said with a grin: “Come nearer, my child.”
And as he drew close to the Pope, who was sitting in his privy chamber, Ehud announced: “I have a message for you, from the volcano of potential.”
Then, as the Pope reached forth to take the gift from Ehud’s right hand, Ehud put forth his left hand, which held the glittering sword, and thrust it into the belly of the Pope:
And the hilt went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon it, so that he could not draw the sword back from his gut; and the dirt came out.
Then Ehud walked out of the room, and shut the doors of the chamber after him, and locked them.
Once he was gone, some clergymen came from the other direction, and they stopped before the doors of the privy chamber, and when they saw that they were locked, they said to themselves: “Surely His Holiness is answering the call of nature.”
And they waited there, outside in the hallway, such a long time that they began to feel ashamed. And look: still the doors of the privy remain closed. For their Pope was fallen down dead on the earth.
And Ehud escaped while the clergymen tarried: he navigated the Vatican’s labyrinthine interior until he found his way out. Now, there he stood, in the sunshine amid the palm trees of Florida, breathing the salt-sea air, and feeling ecstatic: for he had eliminated a notorious child-predator.
Now when the clergymen outside the privy chamber finally dared break open the locked doors to find their boss, behold, his corpse was still clutching the giftwrapped canister. So they pried the gift from his hands, and removed its wrapping, and when they saw that it was labeled “communion wafers,” they opened its top, and lo: there sprang out serpents.
§
Now it came to pass, once Ehud had reached the main mountain of the Dartmouthians, that he blew into the alphorn that was installed there, which was his prearranged signal to the Volcano for “mission accomplished.” Then he sent out a raven bearing this message unto the caravansary:
“The Pope is fallen, is fallen. Ehud here: I have returned from the Vatican in Florida. The time to strike is now. Follow my lead. As the cap of the pyramid has been lifted, the rest of the network of abusers is exposed.”
And when the pilgrims of the caravan read this, they went out as one, and gathered into a pontoon, and took a rill from the Hanging Pond of the Great Basin Rainforest into the sticks, where they picked up Midianites and mountainfolk to accompany them – about ten thousand souls in sum, all valorous and highly principled – and they charged directly into the depths of THE CHURCH: thereby, at long last, every evildoer was apprehended on the brink of predation, so, in the nick of time, all their would-be victims were saved. The entire clergy was brought to justice, and its cruel system was eradicated; just like that earlier episode in the wilderness, when the mouth of the earth devoured the Big Three Sects.
Thus the children of that era were spared, as their culture turned healthy, and stayed so, fourscore years.
“It is a shame that this problem cannot be solved once and for all; but every generation brings forth new individuals,” said the Volcano. “Hence my emphasis upon eternal vigilance. (What a bore.)”
Then Metatron came and took Ehud back to the Fulness.
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