The third adventure of the present scroll, plus the first half of the fourth

Feat 3: Shamgar Elohim

After Ehud, among the elohims that the Volcano raised, came a strong man named Shamgar. And his story went as follows.

An attempt was made to steal all the workforce’s houses and ruin their families – this was during the Global Financial Crisis of 2008 – and the culprits were six hundred fraudsters from the Big Banks; but Shamgar went and slew them all with an ox goad.

Then Enoch came and took Shamgar back to the Fulness.

Feat 4: Deborah Elohim

Now it happened that after a day of rest, the Volcano overslept, and during this interval arose one Jerk, owner of the Internet; whose spirit was controlled by a Private Anonymous Trillionaire Shapeshifter, which dwelt in a gated covert offshore. And the multitudes of the Volcano’s caravan wept, because these entities had nine hundred data-reaping battle-tanks all wirelessly connected to a massive Computer Farm, which they employed to harvest everyone’s personal info; and they falsely blackmailed every individual. This went on for twenty years.

Then, even from his dream state, the Volcano raised up Deborah Elohim, a mighty prophetess, played by Gertrude Stein from Picasso’s portrait of 1906; and she was a charismatic tastemaker among the population.

Ms. Stein-as-Deborah was known to sit under the famous palm tree that bears her name, between Rome and Florida in the mountain range of the Parisians: and the liveliest intellects among the caravansary would always visit her there, to converse.

Now, one day, Deborah of the elohims invited to her palm tree Mister George Washington of the Thirteen Colonies; and she said to him: “I have summoned you here because the volcano of potential has a plan. Go march up to Buck Hill in Burnsville, and take with you all the nurses and farmers in the land – there are exactly ten thousand of each type hereabouts: they shall serve as your Continental Army. Then, to the banks of the great grey-green, greasy Limpopo River, I will lure the Private Anonymous Trillionaire Shapeshifter, which controls the spirit of that one Jerk who owns the Internet, with his data-reaping battle-tanks and bot mob; and I will deliver him into your clutches.”

[Note: in real life, George Washinton was a wealthy man like the Trillionaire adversary of this adventure; but the Washington of our tale is the General of legend, not the historical personage.]

And General Washington answered Ms. Stein, saying: “O Deborah, my Deborah, I will go, if you will go too. But if you go not with me, then I will not go.”

And Deborah Elohim said: “I will surely go with you. Notwithstanding this shared adventure of ours can in no wise inflate your manly warrior myth, since the Volcano shall now sell that Trillionaire to a lesbian poet.” And Ms. Stein arose and accompanied Mister Washington into his Thirteen Colonies.

Then George Washington called all the nurses and farmers from the Colonies to come and join him on a dangerous mission; and he went up with ten thousand of each at his feet: and Deborah was with him.

Now, do you remember Jethro, the Midianite priest? He figured prominently in the previous scriptures. When Moses betrayed his colleagues in the Empire’s intelligence agency by committing a moral act and thus had to flee from their wrath, he ended up at Jethro’s place. And it was from Jethro’s religion that Moses first learned of the god named Yahweh, who was one among Jethro’s pantheon of deities. Also it was while watching Jethro’s goats that Moses first met the wild man in the vortex, who proved to be the volcano of potential, on the side of the hill near Jethro’s abode. Moses then married Jethro’s daughter, Zipporah; therefore, Jethro was Moses’ father-in-law. His full title was Jethro Raguel Reuel Hobab.

Alright, so, this high priest Jethro Hobab of the Midianites, via that same line of Moses, had a grandson named Simon, who was a magician. (That’s the point I wanted to convey to you, by bringing up Jethro again.)

And this Simon Magus, like his forefathers, was a wanderer; so he pitched his tent anywhere that he pleased. On the present occasion, it happened that the magician encamped amid the Thirteen Colonies.

Now, over at Enemy Headquarters, one of his henchmen told the Private Anonymous Trillionaire Shapeshifter that the General George Washington and his Continental Army were on Buck Hill in Burnsville. So the Trillionaire Shapeshifter gathered together all his data-reapers, even nine hundred data-reaping battle-tanks, which were wirelessly connected to his massive Computer Farm, and he told his staff of developers to leave their office desks in their cubicles, and to follow him forth from that gated covert offshore. And they surged as one, to meet their foemen, unto the banks of the great grey-green, greasy Limpopo River.

Then Deborah Elohim said to George Washington: “Up; for this is the day in which the Trillionaire has been delivered into your clutches. I can clearly sense that the volcano of potential is out there, this instant, blasting a pathway up ahead for you, trailblazing a shortcut into victory.”

So General Washington went down from Buck Hill, with ten thousand nurses and as many farmers after him.

And the sight of all those decent people discomfited the Trillionaire. And his data-reapers and legions of technicians were utterly confused when these nurses approached them displaying such care, and when the farmers explained to them why manure is used as fertilizer, and how to tell if soil has a healthy structure by tasting it.

While this commingling was underway, the Anonymous Trillionaire lighted down off his data-reaper and fled. He set off in the direction of the tent of Simon Magus. And his whole fleet of wireless machines turned tail and ran home.

But Washington’s nursing sector pursued after the data-reapers and their operators, and they followed them back to the gated covert offshore. And all the devices opted to shut themselves off, rather than surrender to these compassionate Homo sapiens. And their operators all fell upon the edge of their own swords: there was not a soul left.

Howbeit the Private Anonymous Trillionaire Shapeshifter dashed away on his feet, changing from one form of being to another, as he went. Upon entering a forest, he transformed into a bear, to navigate better; and when he arrived at a brook, he became a beautiful mermaid, and swam right through; then, when he approached a great range of mountains, he metamorphosed into an ibex, and his trusty hooves helped him to climb. After many such shiftings of shape, soon he reached the tabernacle of Simon Magus.

And, from the entryway, Simon’s tentmate Helen emerged, veiled and wrapped within a garment of many colors – this was the famous Helen Prunikos – and she beckoned alluringly to the Trillionaire (who had returned to human form), and said to him: “Come in, my lord, fear not; come in unto me.”

Thus the Trillionaire followed Helen into the tabernacle, and she spread over him her garment of many colors.

And he said unto her: “All this action has made me thirsty. May I have a little water, please?” And she opened some bottles and fixed him a milk punch, and gave him drink, and covered him.

Then he spoke to her again, saying: “The General Public seeks my life. Therefore, go out and stand before the entrance of the tent; and, if any passerby inquires ‘Have you seen a tech mogul dash this way?’ then answer ‘No’.”

So, agreeing to this plan, and seeing that the drink had lulled the weary man to sleep, Helen then took a long steel stake from the tent in one hand, and in her other hand she clutched a large hammer: and she went softly unto the snoring Trillionaire, and smote the stake through his forehead, and fastened his skull to the ground. Therefore he died.

Now look: George Washington runs forth, looking for the Trillionaire. And Helen emerges from the tent, veiled and wrapped in her garment of many colors, and she beckons and says: “Come in unto me; I have what you seek.”

And he comes in unto her; then he looks over and sees the Trillionaire dead upon the ground, with the stake in his forehead.

So that is how the volcano of potential subdued the owner of the Internet, whose spirit was helmed by a Private Trillionaire Shapeshifter. And the working people destroyed that Jerk, and took the Internet back for the General Public.