The start of the scroll called BEYOND MOSES: YESHUA THE ZEALOT

Dear diary,

After the death of Moses, who was the Volcano’s best friend, it happened that the Volcano spoke to Yeshua the Zealot, saying:

“Now that Moses is dead, I plan to lead the multitudes of our workforce over the shrub-steppe of the Great Basin Desert, to explore Las Vegas, and to walk throughout India and elsewhere.”

Then the Volcano turned and addressed the masses of the workforce directly:

“You have seen the wild lands; now it is time to visit the Dartmouthians, and to sail up and down that famous stream, the Mississippi, and to see the land of the Penn Quakers, and the great grey-green, greasy Limpopo River. Our tour shall bring us all along the coast, unto the crashing sea toward the going down of the sun. So be strong and very courageous. Be not afraid, nor be dismayed: for I am the volcano of potential, and I will be with you wherever we go.”

Then the Volcano instructed Yeshua the Zealot to prepare dinner for the people. “Cook them some victuals, so that they may dine. Use the bread that falls from the heavens, which I have been providing for them regularly since their parents escaped from the Empire. For in three days I shall lead them over this shrub-steppe, and the people will need energy to tour all the amazing places that I aim to show them.”

And the multitudes sent their reply to the Volcano, in answer to his earlier speech, which a messenger put into his hand while he was instructing Yeshua. And the people’s letter said: “Dear captain, all that you command us, we will do; and wherever you send us, we will go.”

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Then the Volcano selected two workers from out of the multitudes. And he appointed these workers to be witnesses, and he dressed them up as olive trees – “You will be spies,” he said. And he sent these witnesses out from the rim of the Grand Canyon to sneak into Las Vegas and look around. “Remember, you are spies: therefore, spy out the land,” said the Volcano.

So the witnesses, thus disguised as olive trees, went out and stood in the middle of the city; and the people of the land took them to be natural growths of the landscape.

Then it happened that an harlot came strolling down the Strip, on Las Vegas Boulevard. And this harlot, whose name was Rahab, approached the two olive trees and asked if they would like to lodge in her house this evening.

So Rahab the harlot showed kindness to these two witnesses, and they joined her for the night.

Then someone informed the mayor of Las Vegas, saying: “Look: two spies from the rim of the Grand Canyon have entered the city. They have been eavesdropping for several days; and tonight they seem to have begun a new phase of their spying mission.”

So the mayor of Las Vegas sent a missive unto Rahab, by way of carrier pigeon (for he knew not her exact address; whereas all the birds knew it), and its message said:

“Bring forth the men who were walking around like trees, claiming to come in peace and waving olive branches, which have entered into your apartment, and which plan on spending the night with you. For I have good reason to believe that these are agents of espionage, who have come to snoop around our sinful city. Probably they were sent by some foreign deity who plans to destroy us, like when Yahweh hailed his fireballs on Sodom and Gomorrah.”

So the woman took the two men and hid them in her bedroom. And she wrote back to the mayor, saying: “Honorable Sir, it is true that some men dressed as olive trees came to spy me out, but I did not know that they had climbed over the rim of the Grand Canyon: I just thought that they were regular prophetic wildlife. But they left me already: they went straight out the front gate – who knows where! I bet that if you chase after them fast enough, you will catch them. Anyway, I promise, if I ever see them again, I will ship them to you, and I will include with the parcel a glossy photo of myself wearing your favorite negligee.” Then she sealed this reply with a kiss. And she was wearing red lipstick.

But Rahab the harlot had lied when she told the mayor that part about the men leaving through the front gate; for the truth was that she had brought them up to the secret balcony of her apartment complex, and hid them in stalks of flax. (For she lived in the Top Deck Observatory, on the 102nd floor of the Empire State Building in Las Vegas; and, as you know, the 103rd floor is not open to the public, so it’s a perfect place to hide things.)

And the mayor’s goon squad pursued after the spies, sniffing around and tracing their route from the Great Basin shrub-steppe to the rim of the Grand Canyon, past the fords and into the city. They chased their scent-trail all the way up to the harlot’s apartment, which offers a panoramic view of all the lands beyond, including up to six states on a clear day. And the goon squad looked out of all the windows, in every direction – they could see the entire length of Manhattan, and almost as far as Bryan’s mom’s house in the bad part of Burnsville – but they found nothing that looked like foreign agents impersonating shrubbery. So they dashed down the stairwell and fled in hot pursuit straight out the front gate.

Now, after these goons had left, the two witnesses came down and shut the front gate, which the goons had left open. Then the scouts went back to their hiding place, among the stalks of flax.

But, before the men fell asleep, Rahab came up out of the trap door that connected to her bedroom, and she visited them in the secret balcony. And she said to the men: “I know that you come from the volcano of potential, and that you are here to tour our land, and to mix and mingle. But some of the duller members of our populace – particularly our leaders, who, as a rule, tend to be the least informed – are terrified that you have come here to instigate a sneak-attack upon us. So, a lot of our bigwigs are fainting with fear, since you arrived. For our newspapers have reported how the Volcano caused the waters of the Red Ocean to levitate in the air overhead like a magic carpet, so that your workforce was able to walk right underneath them, when you all escaped from Ancient Egypt. And we have also heard what you did to the Infraborians and their President Santa Claus, on the other side of the Great Basin Desert; how you left their fiery parcels all undone; not to mention the slaughter that you inflicted upon Fat Ug in Reno, at the El Cortez Hotel. You rendered that place a total bloodbath! Of course, when we heard these things, our hearts melted; you caused all the courage to drain straight out of every man’s veins: for that force who protects you, the volcano of potential, knows no bounds; he controls the whole world, from outer space to the center of the atom. Now therefore, I pray to you, please do swear, on the existence of the Volcano, that you will protect me as I have protected you – and give me a token to prove that you will shield me from your caravansary’s violence, in case they go on another killing spree.”

And the scouts answered Rahab: “Our life for yours, if you do not disclose our whereabouts. Also, do not fear: when the Volcano guides our group into the city, we will deal kindly and truly with you, and with your girlfriends, the ladies of the evening. In fact, tell all your fellow citizens that they have nothing to worry about from us: we come in peace, to mix and mingle – our war days are over.”

Then Rahab let the men down by a hempen rope that was hanging out of her window. For she lived at the top of the Empire State Building.

And when they reached the street, she called out to the two men, saying: “Flee now into the Rocky Mountains, lest the mayor’s goons meet you; and hide yourselves there, in a cave that holds the remains of other dead prophets. Stay there until the city cancels the manhunt – it should take three days. At that point, roll the gravestone away from the mouth of the cave, and rise up and go wherever you desire.”

And the pair of witnesses in their olive-tree suits replied: “We will be blameless of this oath of yours which you have made us swear. Therefore, look here, when we return with our workforce into the city, you should leave this hempen rope hanging down from your window. Then, when we see it, we will recall that it leads to your secret balcony, where you hid us so compassionately amid stalks of flax. And, on that day, be sure to gather all your girlfriends together with you inside your apartment, so that, when we climb up, we all can enjoy a moonlight tryst. Also, use hair-dye to make the rope scarlet: this will help jog our memory, as it will trigger pleasant thoughts of red-light districts.”

And she answered: “According unto your words, so be it.” Then she sent the scouts away, and they vanished into the night. Next, she rummaged through her supply closet until she found some hot-pink paint, and she got busy painting the rope.

So the two witnesses that the Volcano had sent to spy out Las Vegas now fled to a cave in the Rocky Mountains where martyrs were sleeping. And they took their places in the cave beside their brethren. And after three days, the stink of the corpses reminded the spies that the mayor of Las Vegas had probably called off his citywide police search, thus they were free to return to their caravan. So an angel helped them roll the great stone away from the mouth of the grave, and they stepped out into daylight, there on the side of the Rocky Mountains.

Now it happened that the squad of goons who were hunting them earlier were still scouring the areas nearby, when the men emerged. And the goons repeatedly drew close but kept just barely missing the fugitives, as those agents of the Volcano descended the mountainside, then passed over the rim of the Grand Canyon, and finally made it back to the camp.

The witnesses ran up to the Volcano and told him everything that had happened: “Truly, your good luck helped to deliver us from a tricky situation. And, wow, our workforce is notorious among the people hereabouts: we have a reputation of being some sort of ruthless death-mob, because of what happened in Reno.”