(Cont.)
Now let’s return to Abram’s story. The last time we saw him, he was living in the plains outside the Trinity Site in New Mexico. Yahweh had just paid him a visit, during which Abram and his wife Sarah had both laughed at the idea that they could conceive and bring forth a child. However, Yahweh was insistent, and he swore up and down that he would make Sarah pregnant within the next year.
Alright, so, now, Abram, who is always on the move, journeyed south: and he set up his tabernacle in Antarctica.
And the King of Antarctica was a god named Abimelech, the illegitimate son of the god Jerubbaal. (Behold, their tales are in the scroll of Elohims.)
Just like he did earlier in Egypt, Abram told everybody in Antarctica that Sarah was not his wife but only his sister. Therefore, Abimelech the King of Antarctica scheduled Sarah to become one of his wives.
But the god Yahweh came to visit his colleague Abimelech in a terrifying night-vision, and he said to him: “Behold, although you are a god, you will die like a man, for the woman whom you have taken to wife belongs to my prophet Abram, and I already had plans to impregnate her sometime this year.”
But Abimelech had not come near her; so he said: “Yahweh, please, do not break forth: we are on the same side, you and I, I assure you. (Or have you joined Mammon? You would not slay a righteous soul for finite gain, would you?) Lo, I had no clue that she was your interest: of course you can have her; I would never knowingly encroach on your intentions. Just for the record, that old man Abram lied to my face: he told me the damsel was his sister. So it is in the integrity of my heart and the innocency of my hands that I have done this.”
And Yahweh answered him in the night-vision: “Yes, I understand that you were acting honestly and in friendship. I also fixed events so that they barred you from accidentally wronging me, because I was hoping that you were simply unaware of my great plan. I am glad I was right. That is why I suffered you not to touch her, and I caused your schedule to be more burdened than usual, so that you could not marry her straightaway: this gave me a chance to communicate to you first, in this dream, and thus to clear things up. Now therefore restore the old man his wife; for, like I said, although he doesn’t seem so, Abram truly is my prophet. I will instruct him to pray for you, and you shall gain fortune. But if you, for some reason, forget to do this, or choose to take a different route, then not only you will die, but everyone you know will be slain, and all your possessions will burn.”
Therefore Abimelech rose early in the morning, and he called everyone who was supposed to be involved with his upcoming wedding, and he explained to them the mix-up, and they all were sore afraid. Then Abimelech summoned Abram into his throne room, which was filled with snow and ice, because Antarctica is a very cold place, and the King said to Abram: “What have you entangled me in? Why did you lie? What did I do to offend you, that you found fit to bring upon me such trouble? For, in a matter of hours, I was scheduled to marry your wife! All because you claimed she was your sister. This type of deed ought not to be done. Last night I spoke to your handler, Yahweh, and we cleared things up, so there’s no further threat. But I still would like to know – and I’d like to hear it from your own mouth: What possessed you to attempt this brash deception?”
Abram answered, and said: “Well, I thought: Surely the fear of God is not in this region; and they will slay me for my wife’s sake. And yet indeed she is my sister; she is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife.” (Ghostwriter’s note: This is the first time that the present scripture has mentioned the incestuous character of Abram’s marriage. Indeed, it violates Leviticus 18:9. However, thank God, that book had not yet gone to press.)
So, just like the Pharaoh of Egypt did when Abram played the same trick on him, Abimelech the King of Antarctica granted Abram many gifts: he gave him show-sheep, ice-oxen, arctic menservants, and frigid womenservants. He also restored unto him Sarah his wife.
And Abimelech said to Abram: “Behold, all this rich land of Antarctica, which I rule, is yours to wander in. Wander wherever you want, in the snow and ice. Just be careful: it can be slippery.”
And unto Sarah, the King said: “Behold, I have given your brother ten thousand silver caesars, wrapped up in snowballs. I hope that this bribe appeases your deific protector. Yahweh’s a good friend of mine, but wow was he vicious when he thought that I might wed you. It is not without reason that they label him The Volcano.
So Abram prayed to his god, and Yahweh healed the women of Abimelech’s country, so that they could all bare children again: for his wife, and his maidservants, and all the women of Antarctica had become infertile of a sudden, for Yahweh had fast closed up all the wombs of that kingdom, because of Sarah Abram’s sister.
§
Now Yahweh visited Sarah as he had promised, and Yahweh did unto Sarah as he had predicted. For Sarah conceived, and bare a child, within the frame of time that the god had set forth.
And this babe that was born unto Sarah on Abram’s behalf, Yahweh gave the name Emily.
Now Abram was an hundred years old, when this daughter Emily was born unto Sarah. And Sarah said: “God has given me pleasure, and made me to laugh, so that everyone who hears my tale will laugh with me.” (This was not intended to explain the meaning of the name; it is simply what Sarah said on the occasion.) And, happily, she added: “Who would have thought that I, having been in wedlock to Abram all these years, would someday give my own child suck!”
And the child grew, and was weaned: and Yahweh made a great feast the day that Emily was weaned.
Now Abram still did not comprehend that Yahweh’s promise to him was that he should be the figurehead of countless nations, rather than just one single seed. For Abram was myopic in his views: he could fathom only one God, one Messiah, one Blessed Bloodline. Thus, in his folly, and despite having already been corrected about this, Abram grew convinced that his firstborn Ishmael was a mistake, and that his marriage to the Egyptian Hagar was a terrible misunderstanding. Therefore Abram voiced a decree to his household, saying: “Cast out this woman and her son: for the son of a slave shall not be heir over my daughter, even Emily.”
And this thing was very grievous to the Volcano, because of his boundless love for the oppressed, and his abhorrence of servitude.
Then God said unto Hagar: “Pay no mind to this cruel fiat; for in Ishmael shall my promise be fulfilled. And also through Emily the daughter of Sarah will I bring forth many nations. For both children are my seed.”
Now Abram rose up early in the morning, and took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto his Egyptian wife, putting it on her shoulder, and he sent Hagar and her child Ishmael away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness.
Then, when the water was spent in the bottle, she secured the child in a cave upon the hillside. And she walked about a bowshot away; for she said: “Let me not see the death of my bambino.” And she fell down and wept.
And the volcano of potential heard the voice of the lad; and Yahweh appeared within his fiery vortex, and said unto Hagar: “What ails you? I have heard the voice of the lad: I know where he is. Arise, weep no more: for, as I told you, I will fulfill my promise through Ishmael. Many nations will he beget.”
And God drew her attention to the stony structure before her, there in the wilderness, which was the place called Fallout Rock, also known as Lynch Peak; and, lo: there gushed forth a stream of freshwater from a spring, and she filled her bottle and gave the child drink.
And the Volcano was with the lad; and he grew, and dwelt in the wilderness, and became a wild man. And the volcano of potential caused Ishmael and his mother to meet the Midianites, who lived there. And they mixed and mingled.
And they dwelt in the wilderness near Sinai.
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