(Cont.)
That evening, the gods Jesus and Asherah entered Sodom. And sitting there in the gate of the city, in a most prominent place among its officials, was Abram’s nephew Lot.
When he saw the gods, who were still disguised in their business attire, Lot bowed himself with his face to the ground, and he said: “Behold now, Sirs, turn in, I pray you, to my house, and tarry all night; then you can rise up early, and bathe, and go on your ways.”
And they said: “Nay, but we were planning on abiding out here in the street all night.”
Then Lot insisted firmly, and said: “Please, I urge you: do not spend the night on these city streets.”
So they turned in unto Lot’s house. And he made them a light repast: he found some bread that was leftover from an earlier feast, and some vegetables; and they did eat.
But before they lay down, the people of the city, even the Sodomites, compassed the house round, both male and female, old and young, all the dwellers from every quarter; and they called unto Lot, and said unto him: “Where are those strangers who stopped at your house this night – aren’t they lodging with you? Bring them out unto us, that we may collect from them the tyro charge and the tourist fees that they now owe us. Tell them: if they are low on cash or credit, it’s OK; there are other ways to pay down debt.” And they leered when they said this.
Then Lot slipped out the front door, to deal with them; and he was careful to shut and secure the door after him. And he said: “I pray you, my fellow citizens, do not behave rudely to my guests. Whatever happened to our ideal of ‘Sodomite Hospitality’ – did that just fly out the window, after we monetized every aspect of our society? Ugh, look: I can see that you’re intent on having a financial consultation. Fine: I have two daughters which have never experienced anything – let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and you can do to them whatever seems good in your eyes: only stop crowding these visitors who have lodged with me this evening; leave them alone, and do nothing to them; for they put their trust in me, and it’s my sacred duty to protect them, as they took shelter under my roof.”
Yet the instigators among the horde said to Lot: “Stand back, you loafer.” And then these troublemakers turned to the mob that was there, and they said: “This fellow Lot here, not long ago, arrived in our city from afar – a few years back, he was just a newcomer; but already now he’s acting like one of our leaders, as if he descended from our founding fathers – he thinks he can judge us, and advise us on what types of actions are morally correct. But what does he know about our pastimes and customs? When in Sodom, do as the Sodomites do: Why would you go to Rome and then stammer to your welcomers, ‘O please don’t pleasure my guests at your Roman orgy’! I say that we should deal with Lot how we had planned on dealing with his precious guests, except even better.” And they pressed up against poor Lot, and just about broke the door.
But the gods Jesus and Asherah, who had come to visit the city dressed as businessmen and were now within the house, reached out and pulled Lot safely inside; then bolt-locked the door. And they also cast a voodoo spell of blindness upon the instigators at the entryway, so that all the townsfolk, both male and female, small and great, who were trying to have their legal way with Lot, suddenly lost their sense of sight: and they exhausted themselves groping to find the door.
Meanwhile, inside the house, the gods addressed Lot sternly, and said: “Have you here in the city any other relatives or acquaintances who side with harmony and friendship? If so, let them know, and bring them out with you immediately: For we will destroy this place, because the cry of its victims is waxen great before the volcano of potential.”
So Lot hastened to inform his sons-in-law, who all worked in the financial sector, and he said: “Up, get you out of this cesspool; for the Volcano will destroy it.” But his sons-in-law just laughed, for they assumed that he was doing a comedy routine.
Then, when the morning arose, the gods hastened Lot, saying: “Quick, take your family and evacuate the city, lest you all be expunged along with its corruption.”
Yet while Lot lingered, the gods grabbed his hand, and the hand of his wife and daughters – for the Volcano is merciful – and they dragged them all forth, and set them outside of the city.
And when they were at the border, they happened to meet up with Yahweh, whose cape was flapping while he said to Lot and his family: “Run for your lives: don’t look behind you or stop to rest in the plain; escape to the mountain, lest you be consumed.”
But Lot answered Yahweh, and said: “O, not that, Sir: behold now, you’ve already shown me so much mercy and kindness, in saving my life; yet I cannot flee to the mountain: it is too steep; the evil will overtake me, and I will surely die. Look: yonder is a town that I might go to; it’s just a little place, with homes along its lake’s shore: O, let me stay there instead (isn’t it a nice little town?) and my soul shall live.”
And Yahweh said unto him: “Fine. I have accepted your proposal to avoid overthrowing ‘Nobomb,’ that small town yonder, so that you can sojourn there. Now make haste: go fast. For I cannot begin the total annihilation until your family is taken care of.” Thus the name of the town in which Lot settled was christened Nobalm, because it was given neither bomb nor balm [when reading this aloud, make sure to spell out both “B - O - M - B” and “B - A - L - M”]: neither harm nor help.
§
Now, while the sun rose, Lot sought shelter; and, at that instant, Yahweh rained upon Sodom and Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the sky. And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, even all the plants that grew out of the soil: in short, every living thing was destroyed.
But Lot’s wife looked back while they were fleeing, and she became a pillar of salt. For Jesus said: “Have salt in yourselves,” and he added: “Salt is good; but if the salt have lost his saltness, wherewith will ye season it?” (Mark 9:50) Therefore, the moral of this miracle is: Avoid unseasonable sacrifices, and have peace with one another.
§
The next morning, Abram got up early and hastened to the place where, the day before, he had haggled with Yahweh: and he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and over all the ground of the plain, and he scanned the landscape, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace.
§
So it happened that Lot went to live in Nobalm. However, the place lived up to its name, for it gave Lot no relief: instead, the stench and smoke from the surrounding disaster inundated the area. Thus Lot took his family and moved into the mountain, whereto the gods had first tried to guide him. And they dwelt in a cave there, where the remains of prophets had been buried. That’s where they went to live, Lot and his daughters. (You will recall that his wife turned to salt.)
Now, imagine being an escapee of that annihilation: the city where you have been living, and the surrounding metropolitan areas, all have been wiped out by a barrage of nuclear missiles from heaven. You might perchance assume that the entire planet has undergone this attack, the way that all life was exterminated during the universal flood. This is, in fact, what the two daughters of Lot first assumed, when they awoke on the morning after God’s campaign of firebombing: they thought, in all seriousness, that they were the last remaining humans on the earth. Thus, Lot’s firstborn daughter said unto her younger sister: “Lo, father is old, and there is no other man alive to come in unto us after the manner of reproduction. Come, therefore, let us make our father drink wine, as the sons of Noah did to surmount their mother, that we may preserve the seed of humankind.
Thus they made their father Lot consume strong spirits; and, that night, once Lot had fallen into a deep sleep, his firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and Lot perceived neither when she came nor when she left.
Then, it happened that, on the morrow, the firstborn daughter said to the younger: “Behold, I lay yesternight with our father: let us make him drink wine this night as well; and then you will go in, and lie with him, so that we may preserve the human species.
So that is how both the daughters of Lot came to be with child by their own father.
Now whenever there are two groups clamoring for your support, but you despise them both; you can say that the elder of Lot’s daughters gave birth to the common ancestor of Hated Group One; while his younger daughter bore the main source of Hated Group Two.
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