Now it came to pass that the kings of the humane nations (that is, the countries that treat people as more important than debt obligations) faced preemptive attacks from the inhumane nations (which are those countries that cancel people instead of debts): so all these nations, both humane and inhumane, met in the Vale of Hate, right in the middle of the Unsavory Sea.
On the inhumane side, there were the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah, plus three other countries. And on the humane side, there were the good guys: four nameless nations. It was not a fair fight; the Mammon worshippers had the advantage.
Now the armies started to clash: and Hate Vale was full of slimepits, being situated as it was in the midst of the Sea of Unsavoriness. Thus, the good guys got vanquished; and whoever remained from their armies fled to the mountains.
So the bad guys won the battle. And they looted and pillaged and took much spoils from those they defeated. And Lot was among the inhumane nations that performed this snatching of booty, although he himself was not altogether a man of low character.
Thus the bad guys took the goods away from the good guys. And they departed.
But there came one that had escaped, and told Abram what had happened: and when Abram heard that the good guys had lost, he gathered a makeshift army from his multitude of adherents, and they pursued after the bad guys.
But the one that had escaped addressed Abram again, and said: “I must draw your attention to the fact that your nephew Lot is among the bad actors. Would you harm an innocent man, just because his limited intelligence and lack of compassion has landed him on the wrong side of history?”
And Abram paused and thought. Then he answered and said: “I will spare my nephew Lot, if it is possible.”
So then the Army of Abram trooped forth, and they found the bad guys sitting around a campfire at night, and they smote them (but they spared Lot), and they brought back all the stolen stuff (including Lot) to the good guys, and the women also, and all the house-pets they had abducted.
Then, when Abram returned from his campfire victory, two Princes came out to meet Abram: the Prince of Sodom, and the Prince of Salem. If we properly translate that last place’s epithet, its leader becomes “The Prince of Peace.” His proper name was Melchizedek: that means LORD Zedek; and Zedek means “Righteousness.” Zedek was an elohim like Yahweh and Metatron. This Melchizedek, when he came to meet Abram after his win, brought bread and wine, like Jesus and Dionysus, who were both also each their own elohim. Melchizedek was the Eternal Magus of El Elyon, the Most High God: he was played by Bryan from planet Jupiter, the ghostwriter of this scripture, who would serve as the first priest-prophet combo alongside his shadow-ego Moses, in a later scroll of the scripture; Bryan also would be anointed by the volcano of potential as the King of Kings of America.
And Melchizedek the Prince of Peace said: “Blessed be Abram of El Elyon, the Most High God, possessor of heaven and earth; and blessed be Yahweh the Volcano, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand.” And he shared his food with him.
Then the Prince of Sodom said unto Abram: “You can keep the goods for yourself; only give me my citizen, whom you rescued.” And he was referring to Abram’s nephew Lot.
But Abram lifted his glittering sword on high, and spoke as follows unto the Prince of Sodom: “I swear by Yahweh, the Most High God who owns heaven and earth, that I will not so much as take the thread of a shoelatchet from anything that is yours, lest you should be able to claim ‘I myself have made Abram rich, as Pharaoh did when he learned of his sister-spouse.’ No, keep your spoils, along with my kinsman here. I will only deduct the cost of victuals and travel, to offset my expenses. (For raising and maintaining an army is not cheap.)”
§
After these events, Yahweh visited Abram in person, and he said: “Do not fear the battle. I am your shield: I will protect you. And I will reward you with countless offspring.”
And Abram answered: “Lord Yahweh, the battle is over, and I thank you for favoring my army. But what type of offspring could you possibly be talking about, seeing that I am infertile, and my wife Sarah is barren? Do you mean that our family’s butler T. R. Devlin will beget children on my behalf, who shall be considered my own legal heirs, due to the fact that, being chattel, Devlin is more property than person; and if I sell my tent, he goes with it?”
Then Yahweh said unto Abram: “Your butler Devlin shall not produce the multitudes that I am promising you. This seed that I speak of shall come forth out of your own bowels.” Here Yahweh draped his arm around Abram and led him outside, and said: “Look now toward heaven, and see if you can count the stars in the sky: that is the amount of seeds I shall give you.”
And Abram believed what Yahweh said; and Yahweh tallied this up to the balance of Abram’s good karma.
Furthermore, Yahweh said to Abram: “I am the one who kept urging you, through agitations of conscience, to move away from that place called X, where your family used to live. For I plan to give you all this land that you see here.”
Now Abram said: “But Lord Yahweh, how shall I know that I shall inherit it?”
And Yahweh said: “I’ll prove it to you, right now. Here’s what you need to do. Go fetch me a heifer of three years old, plus a ewe, and a ram, each of three years old as well. Also bring a turtledove, and a young pigeon.”
And Abram went and gathered all these animals up; then he drew his sword, sliced each creature down the middle, and arranged the halves in a mirrorlike fashion on the ground. But the birds he left undivided. Then he waited.
And when the buzzards came and landed on the carcasses, Abram shooed them away.
Now when the sun was going down, a deep sleep overcame Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him.
And Yahweh came and leaned over and spoke directly into Abram’s ear, saying: “Know of a surety that your seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not theirs, and shall serve the Empire; and its archon shall afflict them four hundred years. But I will plague that nation, and menace them with terrors; and your seed shall come out with great substance.”
And Abram awoke just as Yahweh was entering the aperture of his vortex, which was on fire and billowing clouds of thick black smoke. And the vortex then passed between the cadavers of the animals that were split, and it flame-broiled them as it went; and it also cooked the two birds.
And when the vortex had sped away from the scene, behold, on the ground at the end of the line of perfectly grilled meat there was a vellum contract written and signed by the finger of God, and its fine print declared: “Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the Hanging Pond outside of Las Vegas unto the Mississippi Waterworks, and all of its streams: South America, including the Wizards, and the Primordial People, and the Cornellians, and the Princetonians, and the Jinn who live underneath the topsoil, and the Infraboreans, and the Harvardites, and the Penn Quakers, and even the Yalies.”
§
Now Abram continued to be interested in this dilemma: How might Yahweh infinitize the offspring of a man whose concubine is barren? For Abram’s wife Sarah gave him no children. And, just as he first thought that Yahweh meant to provide progeny by way of a legal substitution, using a surrogate – for instance, in Abram’s own case, his butler Devlin might beget a child who would be considered Abram’s heir, due to legal mumbo jumbo – Abram presumed something similar for the case of his wife: that she might bear a child by proxy, via her handmaiden, Hagar, whom Sarah inherited from Pharaoh back in Egypt. This would be an interesting solution, in light of Yahweh’s recent prophecy: For he declared that Abram’s descendants will become the indentured labor force of a future Empire; it would be fitting, therefore, if the seed that Yahweh promised, through whom that generation should arise, were to be gestated by a slave from that very nation that should enslave it. Like the foregoing scene’s covenant-cutting, this could prove a fearful symmetry.
Sarah herself was apparently thinking along the same line, for she said unto Abram: “Behold now, Yahweh has restrained me from bearing: therefore, I pray you, go in unto my maid Hagar, Pharaoh’s daughter; for perhaps I may obtain children through her womb.” And Abram hearkened to the voice of his wife.
Thus Sarah gave Hagar, her Egyptian slave, to her husband Abram, in holy matrimony.
And Abram went in unto Hagar, and Yahweh blessed their coupling, and she conceived.
But the moment that she saw how well it had worked, Sarah regretted ever putting this plan in motion. So she said to her husband: “This was a bad idea. Let us now reverse course.”
And Abram said unto Sarah: “Do as you see fit.”
Thus, Sarah dealt hardly with Hagar, and she fled away in fear.
Then Yahweh was walking in the cool of the evening, and he discovered Hagar trembling by a fountain in the wilderness. And he said: “Greetings, damsel; I recognize you as Sarah’s helpmate – your name is Hagar, am I right? What brings you here? Where are you going?”
And Hagar answered: “I have fled from the face of my mistress.”
And Yahweh said unto her: “Return to your lovers: they’ll treat you better, I guarantee it. They’ve just been under a lot of pressure lately: baby-making can be stressful for old rich folks. But I will multiply your seed exceedingly, so that it shall not be numbered for multitude. You’re with child now, correct? Behold, you shall give birth to a healthy son, and you shall call his name Ishmael. Ah, he will be a wild man, with thick hair and intense eyes: a lad whom I will love with all my heart.”
And Hagar answered and said: “No longer shall I address you as Yahweh, but your new name shall be ‘Elroy’ because that word means ‘God has perceived my affliction and come to my aid and substituted his own seed for the seed of my master, so now I shall bring forth the very first Messiah’.”
Wherefore the fountain where this young couple met was thence known as ‘Beer-lahai-roi,’ which means ‘The All-Seeing One lifted me over the top of my mistress.’
And Hagar bare a son: and Abram called the name of this promised seed Ishmael. Abram was 84 years old when his name was listed as father on the birth certificate.
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