The end of Noah’s tale, and the start of Abram’s

(Cont.)

The sons of Noah were Shem, Ham, and Japheth. When they came out of the ark with their father and his wife their mother, they saw that the land was now devoid of all life; and they reasoned that all of humankind would need to be repopulated by their one single family.

Then Noah planted a vineyard, as Yahweh taught him to do; and when he drank of the wine that he made, he fell asleep in his tent; and his wife drank too, and fell asleep by his side.

Now, the biblical book of Leviticus says “Do not uncover the nakedness of thy father’s wife: it is thy father’s nakedness.” [18:8] But that book had not yet been written; so Noah’s children assumed that it was permissible for them to uncover their father’s wife’s nakedness: therefore they did this, with the intention of continuing the human species.

First, one of them went into the tent, and then he returned and told his two brethren without. Then the other two had reservations about emulating the act; so they took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered their mother; and their faces were averted. But then they had second thoughts about abstaining, and they decided at the last minute to go ahead and plant their own seeds as well.

Then Noah awoke next to his wife, and knew what his sons had done. If you just looked at the scene, it was obvious. And Noah began to pray out a voodoo curse at his sons; but, right in the middle of the poem, he gave up the ghost. (It was a heart attack combined with a massive stroke; plus he spontaneously combusted.) Thus Noah never finished his malediction, so its effect was established only partly; and that is why earth’s human population, all of which shares this sordid origin, experiences both good and bad days.

§

Alright, so, the sons of Noah repopulated the earth, after the flood. They made all the civilizations and nations that you always hear about. The isles of the Gentiles. Cush. The mighty hunter Nimrod, who even hunted the god Yahweh. The kingdom of Babylon. The land of Shinar. Assyria. Nineveh. The original Canaanite nations and their domains. Sodom and Gomorrah. Oz, Hell, Hebrews, and Pirates.

These and many more are the families of the sons of Noah: by these were the nations divided in the earth after the flood.

Now the whole planet spoke one tongue, and everyone understood each other. There were therefore no language barriers, and no need of automatic translation devices, or college-level language courses. Communication was crystal clear and wholly natural, and everyone got along well.

Then it happened, as the population of earth cooperated in its endeavors, that the nations all agreed to build a soaring skyscraper shrine to Monotheos. And one neighbor said to another: “Go to, let us make bricks, and construct a tower to worship GOD, lest GOD become angry with us and scatter us over the earth. I’m afraid that if GOD does not feel adequately praised, He will become jealous, and decide to confuse our speech, and turn us against each other, thus dividing and conquering us.”

Then Yahweh came down to see this sky-high shrine, which the children of humankind were building. And Yahweh said to the gods: “Behold, the globalists all share a culture and a language and a purpose. They have one religion, and they are worshipping the One True GOD, whom they call Monotheos. Also they call him Aton, and they say that the sun is his symbol. They create no images, no idols; they abstain from making representational art. And now this is what they have decided to do: they’re erecting this extremely tall shrine, which is inching dangerously close to our own abode, up here in Cloud Cuckoo Land. Now, if we allow them to continue in their aim, they will surely succeed; and then, nothing will be restrained from them, which they fix upon doing: howbeit their imagination will be very cramped, and their desires narrow. Go to, therefore, and let us descend upon them and confound their speech: scramble their brainwaves, so that they shall no longer understand one another’s instructions. Then they’ll build the shrine wrongly, and it will fall down; thus, we won’t have to worry about them bothering us; the noise will be minimized; and they will grow more creative, wider minded, and less myopic.”

So Yahweh and the gods effectively scattered those united humans all over the globe, and their shrine-tower leaned unevenly, and its construction was abandoned. That’s why the site is, to this day, known as Babylon: for it was in that place that Yahweh made mankind “babble on,” by confounding all language. He killed the Global Dialect and instead left each nation speaking, respectively, Italian, French, German, English, or Portuguese; and humankind would need to wait for the great amalgamation of these languages, into what the future would call The American Super-Tongue, before communicative clarity could reign again upon the earth.

§

Now, among the confused remains of these scattered nations, let us focus on one individual: Abram. He was born in a place called X. And he found a wife whose name was Sarah, whom Abram assumed was barren because she bore him no child.

The father of Abram took him and his wife Sarah and his nephew Lot out of the country, to go visit Abram’s brother, who lived beyond X.

Then Yahweh visited Abram and said: “Keep moving. Get out of this country, too. I see that you left the place called X. That was good. Then you came here; that’s permissible. But don’t stop now. Leave your father; leave your family. Go to a new land that I will show you. For I have a plan. I aim to make of you a great nation. And I will happify you, and make the name Abram famous. Anyone who treats you well, I’ll cause reality to favor them; and anyone who treats you ill, I’ll make reality turn against them.”

So Abram kissed Yahweh and thanked him, and he did as Yahweh instructed: he departed from that land. And Abram was 75 years old when he undertook this adventure.

He also brought along with him Sarah his wife, and his nephew Lot. And they passed through one land after another. Land Y, Land Z, Land A . . . And there were Ivy Leaguers inhabiting the environment, even back then.

Now Yahweh appeared unto Abram, and said: “You see all these lands? I’ll guide your offspring on a tour through this whole place, someday; and your nation will mix and mingle with the other nations.” And Abram set up a grill, and he feasted with Yahweh, and they flame-broiled steaks.

Then Abram traveled with his family away from there, and they went up into the main mountain of the Parisians, near Florida. There he set up another grilling station, and called out Yahweh’s name, to let him know that he was having another cookout.

§

But then Abram ran out of livestock. So he needed to go down into Egypt, or else his family would starve.

And yet, before they entered Egypt, Abram stopped at the border and said to Sarah his wife: “Look, you are a beautiful woman; therefore the Egyptians will say, ‘Let us kill this old man and steal his spouse.’ That will leave me dead; while you remain alive, and spend the rest of your days in luxury, lounging in bed with all the natives. To avoid this fate, let us deceive everyone we meet here, and tell them that you are not my wife but my sister.”

Then it came to pass, when they entered Egypt, that the Egyptians turned their heads and saw that Sarah, Abram’s wife, was extremely alluring. The princes in Pharaoh’s palace saw her as well, and they commended her before Pharaoh; and Sarah was invited into the royal bedroom.

Now Pharaoh treated Abram very well, for Sarah’s sake: and he gave Abram sheep, and oxen, and he-asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she-asses, and camels.

But Yahweh brought bad luck upon Pharaoh’s palace, because of Abram’s wife Sarah. The god turned their water to blood; then he let loose frogs that hopped everywhere; then gnats and flies congested their air; and later a new brand of lice was created, just to plague Egypt; and he struck their livestock with pestilence, and gave their people painful boils of blistering acne; and he pelted them with hail; then he sent locusts to eat all their crops; and finally caused total darkness to engulf the whole land, and he personally killed all their firstborn.

At this point, Pharaoh called Abram before his throne and said: “What is this ill luck that you have brought upon my household? For extremely bad miracles have been tormenting us, and when we inquired after the source of the curse, by drawing straws, the straw that was drawn had your name on it: this indicates that your divinity is the root of all evil. Please explain yourself, before I lose my patience.”

And Abram answered Pharaoh, and said: “I think I know what caused the problem. You see, when my concubine and I entered your land, I said to her: ‘O dear Sarah, since you are so pretty, the menfolk here will surely slaughter me and steal you for themselves; therefore, let us lie to them and say that you are my sister instead of my wife.’ But what I forgot is that my personal deity Yahweh had made a solemn promise to protect me from all harm, no matter what; therefore, if anyone fails to respect me, God brings down terrors on their life. I didn’t mean to offend you; quite the opposite, in fact: but having this type of personal savior is like owning an overprotective dog, who barks at everyone.”

Then Pharaoh said: “Barks? If only he had barked: then I could’ve heeded the warning and sidestepped this tragedy. I’d say he rather bites, lunging straight for the jugular, without warning or provocation: Lo, my firstborn is dead. Now take thy wife and go thy way.”

And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning Abram: and they sent him away, and his wife Sarah, with many gifts, in carts and carriages and luggage withal. And they went their way in peace.

§

So this diversion into Egypt ended up as a bonanza for Abram. Now he was rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold.

And he took his family back to the place where they had pitched their tents in the beginning: near Paris of the mountains, outside of Florida; where he had installed the grill, and called Yahweh for a feast.

And Abram shared the windfall with his nephew Lot, who was still accompanying him: thus Lot also had flocks, and herds, and a large administrative staff.

At first they stayed in the plains and fields below, but soon it became apparent that the land was not vast enough to support the worldly possessions of both these men. For there developed a strife between the herdsmen of Abram’s cattle and the herdsmen of Lot’s cattle. And the Harvardites and the Princetonians also dwelled in the land.

So Abram said unto Lot: “Let’s have no further conflict between us. Look at all this land before us: Why don’t you go one way, and I’ll go the other. Whichever part of the land you choose to settle, I’ll go in the opposite direction, and travel far away, and settle elsewhere. For I’d rather that we separate as friends than that we remain in this place as enemies.”

Thus Lot lifted up his eyes and beheld the Great Basin Rainforest, which was well-watered everywhere (this was before Yahweh firebombed Sodom and Gomorrah, which turned the same region into a shrub-steppe, and caused it to be known as the Great Basin Desert): at this time, it resembled the pleasure garden that Yahweh planted in Eden; or it was like the lush land of Egypt, as it appears when you approach it from Florida.

So Lot chose to take for himself the Great Basin; and his multitudes now shuffled in that direction. Thus he and Abram separated themselves from each other. Abram dwelled in the land of the Ivy Leaguers, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom.

Now the Sodomites were all creditors who had financialized everything and acted inhospitably. This displeased Yahweh. And Yahweh said to Abram, after Lot had left: “Look at that – see all that land that your nephew Lot is settling? I will transfer its ownership to you yourself, someday. For I will make your seed outnumber the dust of the earth. I’ll lead your offspring to mix and mingle with every nation. The only exception will be the people whose god is money, which is to say, Mammon. That is the one god that I am against.”

Then Abram removed his tent, and came and dwelt in the Happy Isles, near the base of Mount Purgatory. And he set up a grilling station there, and threw banquets for Yahweh.