Some misc data, followed by the tale of the flood

(Cont.)

Meanwhile, Man, the first self-portrait of Yahweh, knew his wife in the biblical sense; from this, we might deduce that Man fathered Eve’s next child, whom they gave the name Seth. “God has appointed me another seed, in addition to Abel,” said the woman, upon being questioned about the lad’s appearance, not specifying which god.

Now, after Cain begot Enoch, Seth begot a son, too, whom he christened Enosh. The similar name recalls that adage likening imitation and flattery. This is how popular and admired Cain’s son already was, even at this early point in the epoch. It’s as if everything unlikable about his father infested Cain, while all the excellent traits leapfrogged into his offspring.

After Seth did this, it became a more widespread practice, and men in general began to name their sons after Enoch; and they began to claim that they were “of Yahweh.” And some took the name Yahweh, as well, in those days. For there was general confusion about which was which; again, note the saying “two LORDs in paradise.”

§

Now let us review the family tree.

The gods created humans in their own likeness: male and female. Then Yahweh God made a sculpture of himself from the mud, which he named Man; whose womb Yahweh extracted and refashioned into a mate for Man named Manna, also known as Woman and, later, Eve.

Eve bore Cain and then Abel. Cain moved to Nod and met Asherah, who bore Enoch.

Man lived 130 years, and then Eve bore Seth. But since Seth named his own son after Cain’s, let’s return our focus to Cain’s son:

Enoch lived 65 years, and begat Methuselah. After that, Enoch walked with God for 300 years, and begat sons and daughters. Then Enoch was not; for God took him. And, as he traversed the boundary of the Fulness, Enoch apotheosized into Metatron.

Now Enoch’s son Methuselah became well-known for just two reasons: first, his father was Metatron; second, he lived longer than any human being: a total of 969 years.

Methuselah begat Lamech, who in turn begat Noah. Noah is important because he was the patriarch of the only family to survive the universal flood. That’s what the propagandists of a subsequent age claimed, anyway. His sons were Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

OK, back to the saga:

§

Now it came to pass, when humans began to overrun the planet, and earthwomen were rampant, that the sons of God saw these daughters of men and found them ravishing; so they took wives of all which they desired.

And Yahweh was watching the line of Man increase, and when he saw what happened with Methuselah, how he lived 969 years, Yahweh declared: “My life-breath cannot remain striving around inside these mud-men forever. I shall limit their interval to 120 years.”

There were giants roaming the globe in those days; and also after that, when the sons of gods came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became superheroes: those renowned hybrids who are the heavenly angels.

And the gods then remerged into one GOD and stepped back to look at their canvas. And they saw how the entire human population was playing and dancing, and how the imagination of mankind’s heart was continually exuberant.

But it repented Yahweh God that he had furthered the line of Man upon the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. And Yahweh said to the Godhead of the pantheon: “I love these earthlings as much as ye all do, but mine are already exhibiting signs of devolution: lo, just the other day, my son attempted to incarcerate his fellow. We need to fix something in mankind’s makeup. I think the only solution is to destroy all life, and start over: exterminate every individual creature – bird, fish, and cattle – in the entire universe. Someone should go tell John the Dipper, who lives in Chaos, to open the floodgates. For I really feel sorry to have authored this dimension.”

And some of the gods answered: “You specified ‘bird, fish, and cattle’: but how will killing all the animal life solve the problem with Homo sapiens?”

And Yahweh answered: “Why strive to conjure a world-sized strainer for babies, when it is easier simply to toss them out with the bathwater?”

But Noah found grace in the eyes of Yahweh. There was something about his earnest nature that pleased the god.

So Yahweh came to Noah and said: “The end of all flesh is come before me. It’s time to destroy them with a universal flood. So here’s what I want you to do. Make an ark. Put rooms inside it. Cause it to be watertight. Install a sliding door on the side, with a ramp that comes out automatically when it opens. Send a notification to exactly one pair of every type of living creature on earth, inviting them on a trip. For I am intending to flood the universe. Make sure that each member of every pair of beasts that you invite onboard is fertile, because I want them to generate offspring. If they are a type of animal that you wish to consume as food, then allow them five stowaways, in addition to the official two passengers, for a total of seven. And you only need to bring one of any beast that can reproduce asexually. Now I will sign a contract stating that I agree to save your family in the ark.”

So Noah did everything just as Yahweh instructed.

Then the floodwaters inundated the universe. And Noah went into the ark, with the rest of his family, as stipulated in the agreement that Yahweh signed.

And Noah did not forget to invite the animals into the ark. Then Yahweh shut them in.

Now the flood lasted forty days. The waters surged, and bare up the ark, and it was lifted above the earth. All the solar system’s planets were submerged, and their satellites got soaked. The stars were hissing. And huge waves crashed on the shore.

Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail. The mountains were covered; all the living creatures died: for, when they tried to breathe the air, water gushed into their nose instead, and the ocean came and filled their lungs.

But Yahweh saved Noah in the ark. And the gods made a wind to pass over the universe, and the waters asswaged. The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain was restrained; and the planets dried off.

Then the ark of Noah came to rest on a mountaintop, near Paris. And to test if it was safe to walk outside yet, Noah released a raven out of the small window at the top of the ark’s attic. But the raven came back and said: “Nevermore,” meaning that it refused to do any further flying around. So then Noah sent forth a dove, and told him: “See if the waters are abated from off the face of the ground.” But the dove failed to return, because it only saw water, everywhere it looked, but it kept searching and searching, until it finally grew exhausted and plunged in and drowned. That is why, to this day, there are no doves on the earth: for they went extinct, because the male of the pair, who was supposed to help his female counterpart to propagate their kind into the future, died at sea.

So Noah then tried the same experiment, using the female dove this time, about a fortnight later, and, lo, she came in to him in the evening, and hanging from her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: by this means, Noah knew that all the land was dry, and that it was safe to exit the ark and stroll outdoors.

So Noah pulled the lever, and the ark’s entry panel slid open, and its ramp extended out onto the land. Noah stepped forth and marveled at the look of the flood-damaged earth. And Yahweh came around the mountain and spake unto Noah, saying: “Call your family, and tell them to come out. and bring with you all the insects, birds, and fish that you have saved. Tell them to breed abundantly, and give them your blessing.”

Then Noah constructed a grill; and he selected certain animals to flame-broil, from the types that he had brought extra of, and also some from the other pairs. And Yahweh joined him, and they had a cookout.

And once they had eaten, Yahweh spoke aloud the words of his heart, saying: “I am satisfied now. But I will not again destroy all life with water.”

And Yahweh set a rainbow in the sky, to serve as a symbol, to remind him never to use water again, but, instead, to employ fire for the next universal destruction.